In The Field With Simon FitzKit

One Vision: PlayStation Buttons

2009-01-04T23:25:00.006-05:00

While visiting family in Columbia, SC, I stumbled across an advertisement for an upcoming art exhibit called "Different Perspectives, One Vision." The point seemed to be pairing senior citizens with college students and having them work together to create some kind of finished viewable photography piece (the exact nature of the work was unclear from the ad).

However, inspiration struck, and I've invited several people to join in posting our own (humbly, more creativity-stimulating) version of the exhibit: each week, we'll have a challenge to take 4-8 pictures that depict the various parts of a pre-agreed set. One picture per piece, all pictures have to be have been personally taken by the submitter that week, and we'll agree on a layout ahead of time so that we'll have a generally easy time of matching each submitter's depiction of each piece of the set.

Sounds more complicated than it is. Here's this week's One Vision:

WEEK 1: PlayStation Buttons.
The PlayStation controller has four specialized buttons:
* Triangle
* Square
* Circle
* X
Take a photograph that depicts each of these; the final layout is the same as their layout on the PlayStation controller.

--------------------

And here's my submission (click for full-size):

And other submissions:
T Hobgood (who's obviously a better photographer than I): Gamer's Got The Munchies

J Scronce's:

More to come?

Can You Google

2009-01-03T15:11:00.008-05:00

While trying to find out the answer to a burning question of mine last night (namely "Can you sacrifice a creature and simultaneously regenerate it in Magic: The Gathering?"), I began to type the question verbatim into Google.
In the past, I'd have used the search engine specifically built for that kind of search format, but I'm still mourning the loss of their mascot (previously mentioned here), and I can only assume he has not yet escaped the carbonite.

So I began typing into Google, and --helpful search engine that it is-- it popped up a list of the most likely searches that begin with the words 'can you.' Let's take a look-see, shall we?

Top result by far: Can You Run It, as people try to find the website of the same name that automatically tests your computer and tells you if it meets the minimum requirements to run almost any computer program/game, a site that has a nearly impossible url to remember (www.canyourunit.com) and thus must be googled for. ...Although to be fair, maybe people thought that url was for the Bobbitt-fetish site: Can Your Unit.

Can You Spot the 44th President refers to the now fairly well-known Obama-win drawing:

I love the fact that this was almost certainly drawn over at least a few days' time, as the artist just held his breath and crossed his fingers that his art would be relevant and not just an eternal What-If of a .psd file.

And then there's the 'Can You Get Pregnant' questions. I would love to see those searchers' google ads these days.

...Or maybe not.

But more than anything else, I like to imagine that all 10 of these searches came from the same person. I actually wouldn't be surprised...Bristol.

...Oh, and for those who are wondering: No, you can't. You're welcome.

Sinibomb and Sugar On Every Bite!

2008-12-02T17:47:00.003-05:00

I made this happen.

Word up!

2008-10-03T13:25:00.006-04:00

Wordle.net: The world's foremost word-mapping program. So cool. I made the ones above, but this one's currently my favorite:

Man By Your Stand

2008-10-03T10:31:00.002-04:00

I hate talking about politics so much. I know so precious little about the intricacies and double-binds that obviously go into every single sentence fragment uttered by the Big Dogs that I can never hope to make a rational and calm argument about anything vaguely connected to the topic.

But that's okay because talking about politics is like that for everybody.

Imagine you and someone else are having a discussion about politics. When you're two people who disagree about the issues, you quickly fall into snarking at one another's failings in debate tactics and personal hygiene. When you're two people who agree about the issues, you fellate each other's egos until you find some tiny point you disagree on and ...GOTO Line 20. (Sorry; Q-BASIC joke)

But here's the thing I'm really sick of: calling out candidates for voting against bills about stuff they say they're for (and vice versa). Rider clauses. Fricking rider clauses will do this argument in nearly every time; you go to vote for a bill as a whole, and people will tack on completely unrelated rider clauses to force opponents of the "main" clause to be FOR the bill as a whole (and vice versa).

But nobody thinks about rider clauses because they're all so niggling and annoying that it's hard to keep track of them.\

So I propose every government official open an Excel Spreadsheet right now and start a Three-Reason List: For every bill you vote(d) on, every addendum you attack(ed), every single piece of legislature that crosses/crossed your desk, you list your top 3 reasons for that decision. Then, when someone attacks your tendency to flip-flop, break out your reasons, and you won't have to play the "Conditions had changed" Vaguery Card.

BONUS USES OF YOUR THREE-REASON LIST:
* If one of your top three reasons for voting for/against a bill is "was paid by Big Tobacco to vote that way," you still have two reasons that you can say out loud. More importantly, it's all in Excel, so you can Sort Data by "Reasons"; if you can't easily count the "was paid by __________" entries, perhaps it's time to consider some self-policing.

* Have an extra column describing what "Proposal 245a-40991z" actually was about. This will save time in the short- and long-term.

* Use the list to remind yourself of whether you were for or against the war, abortion, tax cuts and government reform. Because, let's be honest: sometimes you just forget that kind of thing and let your aide sit in and vote for you.

Instant Photographification

2008-09-19T13:17:00.002-04:00

From Sketch Hobgood

The Rules of the Meme:
Take a picture of yourself right now.
Don't change your clothes, don’t fix your hair...just take a picture.
Post that picture with NO editing.
Post these instructions with your picture.

The Dragon*Pros Are Far Outweighed.

2008-09-03T22:06:00.006-04:00

This past weekend, Dragon*Con took over half of Atlanta (the Underdark half, if you were wondering), and that means thousands of my nerdly brethren descended on every hotel in a ten-block radius of wherever Nathan Fillion was standing at the time, and that 8/9 of those thousands came in costume.

Costume. The word calls to mind equal parts 'Halloween' and 'a theatrical production,' which --8/9 of the time-- translates to 'scary' and 'a flop.' I kid, I kid. There certainly are an unbelievable number of amazing outfits present every year, showcasing just how many hundreds of dollars and manhours some people are willing to spend to be confused with a Sci-Fi Channel Original character actor. But then there are those poor souls who go that extra mile to call themselves out, to draw uncomfortable attention to their potato-sack body-type or their incomprehension of the fact that there is a time to stop mashing up concepts (See: Garth Vader, Darth Parton, Bart Vader, Darth Vedder, Darth Vader Zim, Perth Vader, Ollie North Vader, Darth Vanadium, Darth Vega, Darth Avida, Dorothy Vader, and...Hello Vader).

Oh, but pictures do help, don't they? Let's see who we have out on the floor...

Let's steer around the Boba Fat jokes (Foba Bat?) and go straight to the problem of thinking that 2(Awesome) = Awesomer. Reese's are the exception, not the rule. I mean, what would happen if Samuel L Jackson dressed up as Wesley Snipes? This. What would happen if Samuel L Jackson dressed up as Professor Xavier? This. What would happen if Samuel L Jackson dressed up as Nick Fury? This.
Plus, if you only look at him from the waist down (and I'm truly sorry to force that concept on you), he looks like the Dread Pirate Robert(s) ...Bob, a Fat Pirate?... damn! So close.

Heh heh...Beavis, Beavis: ...Co-Bra Commandos. Henh, henh...

Seriously though, I think these two were created by Gargamel to seduce the other Cobras into getting sloppy. And while it's still unclear whether he wants to eat the Cobras or merely turn them into GI Gold, one think remains clear: Cobra Commander totally called dibs on a threesome.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, Thunderdome Lasertag's not until next week.

Actually, take a look at her trophies: torn hair clumps at the waistband, red plastic hat at the navel... oh god... Bitch scalped Howdy Doody.

Senator John Kerry, God of Mischief.

Didn't I fuckin' just. say., "Not nobody, not nohow?"

ALTERNATE COMMENTARY: Polio took its heaviest toll, however, on the steampunk genre.

And the DownLoadable Content for Team Fortress 2 continues with the "Victorian Safari Skins Pack." Pictured here: Medic, Spy, Heavy, Scout, and Engineer. Bonus unlockables: The Blunderbuss, the Jumanji Board, and the Doctor Vatson.

Ah, cosplay: The only pastime where blackface is still okay.

Flipping your fins,
You don't get too far.
Bet a stiff breeze
Would've
Knocked you
Over.
Don't wear a costume
That hinders your
--what's the word?--
Feeeeeeet!
You think you look neat,
But really, you're dim. (Some)
guy snatches your shells,
How you gonna chase hiiiiiim?
Let me ask you
Waddle you do,
Pretty nerd...giiiiirl?

Madness? THIS! IS! POTTAHHHHH!
.

Faster Than A Locomotive, Cheaper Than A Gold Box Deal

2008-07-27T09:04:00.010-04:00

Amazon.com has amazing sales on DVDs, but lately, they've just been outselling themselves, making their sales less meaningful.

Or maybe those DVDs are actually only 33% off under a red sun, but long ago, his parents saw that their race would be doomed to be remaindered, so they sent their only son (using Superman Saver Delivery) to Earth, where --in the heat of a yellow sun-- his movies and television shows gained phenomenal comic powers [sic] for the good of all mankind.

MR SOCKO: My heeeeeero.

I've been shopping for years, spending too much money on DVDs.
Thank you, Amazon.com, for these wonderful Superman returns
on my investment.

Warren Ellis Bingo

2008-07-24T14:37:00.004-04:00

I read Warren Ellis' blog, and now, I'm on it:

The Sea Ring

2008-07-18T00:07:00.003-04:00

The North Carolina Aquariums site has the following advertising the Roanoake Island branch of its operations:

My immediate thought:
THE SEA RING
Samara has returned, and now instead of seven days, she's giving you seven seas. Ever wonder where that well drained into? The North Carolina Aquariums. Don't put on your earphones; that self-guided tour can't tell you what to do now. Samara is in control, and before the night is done, the seas will run red with blood. She's showing her video on all the fish-info screens, and everyone knows... sound travels faster underwater.

Is Wayne Brucey Gonna Hafta Choke A Bitch?

2008-07-16T17:11:00.004-04:00

From Sketch, the Batslap Meme.

Using this blank template, I have created the following:

You Have To Spurn The Trope

2008-07-13T03:38:00.003-04:00

So as you may or may not have heard me cheering over the past week, I won a song-parody contest! First, play the game You Have To Burn The Rope (HERE). It will literally take you under a minute. The contest was to write a parody of the closing theme, and to make it about my favorite video game moment.

I wrote it about the game "Shadow of Colossus" and they previewed my entry during this podcast (skip to 1:12:45 ). (They say, "By Kit FitzSimons, which is an awesome name." Whee!)

And then the guy who wrote the original song commented on my parody, and his favorite line was line 3 (heard here - skip to 0:56:08). (He says, "He's got a nice flow with the rhymes.")

Regardless of what you may think of the people who run the podcast, I now have a free DS Lite, courtesy of them!

Thanks to my friend Sketch who suggested the reverb and who found a way to make the claps work so well...and, you know, for running Garage Band and mixing my vocals.

Makes mouths happy. MAKES MOUTHS HAPPY!!!

2008-07-09T22:03:00.002-04:00

I've been laid low by Jumanji Twizzlers.

It waits for some unsuspecting person to find it, play it, and release the evil jungle magic within.

But I'm not prone to opening mysterious board games that wash up on the beach. No, this time the evil jungle magic had to bend itself to my weak spot:

I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.

Twizzlers. One of the new resealable two-pound pouches that locks freshness in. Like we used to eat at Camp Waconda.

Only this bag didn't just lock in freshness. Oh no. Let's turn back the clock to last fall when I came down with an annoyingly persistent flu-like virus that completely floored me. My sister bought me a bag of resealable Twizzlers to cheer me up. No, not healthy for me, but hey, I was sick, and I wanted to feel better in some quantifiable way.

So I had some, sealed the bag, went back to cowering under the covers and got better.

February came around, and, as I was straightening my landfill of a room, I found, buried under clothes, DVDs, PSP games and comic books...

The Jumanji Twizzlers.

Oh, at the time, I didn't know it was they, but the effect was immediate: I ate a few, and a couple days later, I was going through boxes of tissue like... well, like Kleenex. And I was not in the mood for Twizzlers any more, so they got kneaded back into the bottom of the counter bread machine that is my room.

And then I was sifting through piles of stuff I had recently tossed around (to be able to sleep on my bed again), and there, innocent and sweet, sat...

THE JUMANJI TWIZZLERS.

I carried them downstairs, having only an hour before discovered I had nothing but frozen meals and Pop-Tarts as immediate dining options. I sat down in front of CSI: Miami Season 1, and I had several strawberry-flavored twists.

Now everything above my philtrum is pounding, my nose is gushing, and my throat constantly feels like I've gargled with salt. Not salt water; salt.

So, of course, I threw the bag away as soon as I realized where the evil jungle magic had come from.

But now I realize: I didn't burn it. It's sitting in a trash bag somewhere, on its way to a dump, in some homeless child's hands... and the Freshness seal is intact. The Jumanji Twizzlers are pristine inside. And someone will find them... and eat them... and the horror will live again.

Oh, God, I can still hear the drums! The hideous beating of those unearthly bongos, their sheer intensity threatening to drag me into my own personal heart of darkness!...

...Oh, wait. Sorry. I was just playing Rock Band on Nyquil.

Never mind.

Thank you, Seattle. Are you ready to r--BEWARE THE JUMANJI TWIZZLERS!

Nurses With Purses In Hearses

2008-06-13T09:13:00.004-04:00

Found in this ARTICLE:

Ack! Silent Hill nurses!

As I was too scared to read the article, I can only assume it says something like:

Paris: Louis Vuitton's new line of designer handbags was inspired by the nurses of Silent Hill. Made of 100% burn-victim skin and stitched together with the finest hair from a six-year-old beauty pageant winner, these purses will make even the most depraved monsters of your nightmares stop in their tracks...for a second or two, at least.

Sing A Song of Sevenpence

2008-06-02T15:43:00.003-04:00

I was not tagged in the meme-stream, that I know of, but I feel like con-tributary-ing, so...

The Seven Songs Meme:
(found via warrenellis.com, but quoted from Kid Shirt)

"List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to."

(I've included Youtube links)

1. Muse "Supermassive Black Hole"
I don't understand it; why would Muse not record more songs that sound like this? I like other stuff they've done, but I wouldn't put anything else from their discography on repeat for hours at a time. It's upbeat, it's fun to play on Guitar Hero 3 (I first heard the song when it became downloadable content), and I don't really have to explain who the group is when telling my friends that I like this song.

Also, if somebody would get me a red jacket like the one Matthew Bellamy's wearing in that video, I'd be forever grateful.

2. Nappy Roots "Good Day"
Yes, in fact, it does have half a verse in which he raps the contents of a church barbecue's picnic table. But this song is like 'Hard Knock Life' ramped up and made twice as happy. It's one of those rare rap songs about how people might be better off not living a Grand Theft Auto lifestyle 24/7. I heard it on the radio and immediately went home and downloaded it.

3. Valeriya "The Party's Over"
She's what happens when a Russian singer wants to do what Shakira did, only in the style of 2000's-Madonna. Found via Jeff, this video is ridiculous. Keep an eye out for her token male-backup dancer, who apparently was very proud of the fact that his choreographer had finally taught him the "Number One Dance Move In The West" -- aka taking off your hat and putting it back on. Also, Valeriya looks like Emily Procter from CSI: Miami (image here).

4. The Hoosiers "Goodbye Mr A"
Upbeat again. I think a pattern is beginning to emerge here. The song's supposedly about the singer's elementary school math teacher, and that actually makes a lot of the lines make more contextual/wordplay sense. The Hoosiers are actually one of my more-recently-found favorite bands. I don't usually have favorite bands because my tastes are so eclectic that I often will only like one song that a group has done and feel indifferent about the rest of their work. Exceptions of the past have included Smash Mouth, Sugar Ray, and Josie & the Pussycats (from the movie). As you can tell, I like music that makes me bounce along to it.

5. The Hives "Die All Right
Another rare favorite band of mine, The Hives have crept into my consciousness from all directions; radio, music videos, Guitar Hero 3, Rock Band, Weird Al Yankovic, the fact that their songwriter is a possibly fictional person whose last name is pronounced the same way mine is...it all seemed a conspiracy to get me to listen to them. Well, I have fallen; it's music like this that makes me want to have long hair to properly headbang with.

6. Presidents of the United States of America "Mixed Up SOB"
PUSA are goofy weirdos, kind of like The Hives, actually. Weird Al Yankovic directed this music video, something that should not surprise you once you've seen 30 seconds of it. I love the line "She's stuck in gear. It's just too bad it's Reverse." That's wit, people. That's what's missing from T-Pain's music that keeps me from getting down to apple-bottom jeans. Speaking of T-Pain though...

7. T-Pain "Church"
The only track I can stand off the soundtrack for Step Up 2: The Streets, and it's just amazing. I want to record a music video of my own for it; that's how fun it is to dance to.

And the tags:
1. Ted H
2. Jeff S
3. Joe S
4. Corey B
5. Jeremy G
6. Remi T
7. Katie S

I Guess Jihad To Be There

2008-05-31T12:05:00.007-04:00

Dunkin' Donuts ran the following ad, starring Rachael Ray holding some coffee in a park:

It apears to be very harmless. However, it apparently caused an internet blogosphere meltdown in which Dunkin' Donuts was accused of supporting terrorism. As reported in The Independent:
"The offending item, though, is the scarf, which reminded one blogger of the keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men, an item which a second blogger – picking up the theme and running several miles with it – dubbed 'jihadi chic'. The Little Green Footballs blog, a conservative favourite, accused Dunkin' Donuts of 'casually promoting the symbol of Palestinian terrorism and the intifada'."

And Dunkin' Donuts pulled the ad, causing ANOTHER blogosphere meltdown, as bloggers called the company cowardly for caving "in the face of an out-of-control conservative blogosphere."

(PS: 'blogosphere' is a fun word, isn't it?)

Out of control? Maybe, but obviously, we can all agree it wasn't out-of-control enough. Let's remedy this situation forthwith.

(turns around and centers self, then quickly turns back around)

What. The F. Has Dunkin' Donuts gone crazy? A little too much of their Arabic blend? This ad is a blatant promotion of terrorism! Look at that scarf Rachael Ray is wearing; it's a f**king keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men! Arab MEN. And she, a woman, is wearing it out in the g*dd*mn park, like she isn't cowering from God and men's sight! Put some f**king clothes on, you whore of Babylon (i.e. Babylon in Iraq, you terrorist!) By putting Rachael Ray in that keffiyeh, DD, you're offending Americans who don't want to see some kind of g*dd*amn Hamas fashion show...but you're also offending Arabs who'll see this ad, think, "That woman is wearing a man's headdress around her neck, and it isn't because her husband's choking her with it! Crossdresser! Abomination! Abomination! Abomination! I'll bomb a nation!"

And terrorism will ensue.

But that's not all. Some of my distinguished blogosphere associates have stopped at the jaunty heretical scarf, but not I. No, the men behind this advertisement are unbelievable in more ways than one. They said in their "apology" yesterday, "The possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee."

"Iced coffee?" ICED COFFEE?!? Sounds like, 'Iced Kofi' --as in Kofi Annan, ex-UN Secretary General, who is currently on the board of directors of the UN Foundation-- and it is outrageous for Dunkin' Donuts to blatantly be recruiting terrorists to assassinate Kofi Annan in an online ad like that. Now, my blogosphere enemies (I'm looking at you, Rene Duquesnoy Joomlas on your Ass!) might say that there have been thousands of ads for iced kofi, and I've never spoken up before, but I say to you, SHUT UP! Those ads were distasteful, yes, but not necessarily proterrorist.

This ad is special because of all the secret visual handshakes it's giving to terrorists. Look closer. There's a building in the background, an American landmark of enormous importance to the citizens of our great country, and it is being highlighted for destruction. I hope our military and law enforcement services are on-site at that building...wherever it is (maybe that's a gold statue of Jefferson or something? Is it maybe the Holocaust museum? Help me out, blogosphere cohorts!) It's an American treasure though, regardless of what building it actually is, and Dunkin' Donuts is outright commanding terrorists to bomb it to kill Kofi Annan, and Rachael Ray is there so they know they'll only have a 30-minute timeframe to work with.

And under the logo, what does it say? AMERICA RUNS. "On Dunkin'"? Perhaps. "From terrorism"? Definitely.

(...Maybe if I click on 'Find A Store' it'll tell me where that building is.)

blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere
blogosphereblogosphereblogosphere

Okay, I'm done.

CSI DSI...is disc?

2008-05-04T23:58:00.004-04:00

Tonight, I told the entire DSI Company what I get out of DSI, and I got a little choked up. Later tonight, I watched a CSI/Without A Trace crossover two-parter, and I got a little disappointed by the WAT half.

CSI = Interesting characters who act like a family solving a mystery by enhancing the size and focus of evidence; usually involves the word 'epithelial'

Without A Trace = Bland assemblage of people solving a mystery by talking to former contacts and doing lots of flashbacks to things the culprit had done years ago; usually involves the actor Anthony Lapaglia

Now, the CSI/DSI connection: Anthony Lapaglia is what Zach Ward will look like in 15 years. That is neither a compliment nor an insult. However, I hope Zach's in better shows in 15 years than WAT...better shows like CSI. Boom.

Eat This!

2008-05-02T15:09:00.002-04:00

Click to make it larger.

J. Jonah Jingleheimer Schmidt...His Name Is My Name Too

2008-04-30T03:37:00.004-04:00

My friend Sketch has lately taken to using the Magic Words (i.e. "Oh, and Kit, I know I don't have to challenge you on this one, but just in case: I challenge you!") more and more often, thus necessitating that I post more often.

Boohoo, right?

In any case, this time he found an interesting meme, the kind where you fill in the empty speech bubbles in a classic comic book panel, to hilarious effect. Normally, I don't get especially inspired by them. I might even have passed this one by if not for Sketch's timely official challenge...and his posting the plug-and-play Photoshop file he used for mass production.

I felt this particular panel deserved a very narrow-focused attack, and so I present my efforts:

Alias Indeed

2008-04-30T00:29:00.003-04:00

I was watching the 5th season of Alias tonight and was struck by an annoyingly persistent truth:

Balthazar Getty is the poor man's Liev Schreiber.

I ~~stole~~ appropriated the above image from another blogger who is one of many to write the words "Does anyone else get these two confused?" So I feel confident that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

PS: I find it mildly amusing that my Spell Check humbly suggests I mean Kiev Schrödinger but has no problem with Balthazar or Getty. Who's the poor man's whom now?

PPS: Balthazar Getty apparently played ~~Jack Shephard~~ Ralph in the 1990 version of 'Lord of the Flies.' Yes, NetFlix; in fact, I would like to view that in 2-3 days.

There'll Be A Quizno's On This Later

2008-04-28T13:52:00.002-04:00

While at Firehouse Subs the other day, my friend Sketch pointed out that the sandwich I was ordering had an odd description: it came "Fully Involved." According to the menu (their online version pictured below), Fully Involved means that it comes with all the normal toppings (lettuce, mayo, etc).

Now, I don't like toppings on my subs; I'm a meat-and-cheese-only type of guy. But it seems wrong to just ask for the sandwich "plain" when they went to the trouble of coming up with such an interesting phrase to describe a sub being 'with everything on it.'

Therefore, I now present a short glossary of terms for how to order your sandwiches at Firehouse Subs from here on out.

A Sandwich Fully Involved =
Loaded. Complete with Mayo, Mustard, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion and a Dill Spear.

A Sandwich With Commitment Issues =
Sub With No Toppings.

A Sandwich In Trial Separation =
Toppings On The Side.

A Sandwich Just Going Through The Paces =
Limp Piece Of Lettuce, One Slice Of Tomato, and Just A Daub Of Condiments.

A Sandwich Having An Affair =
Fully Involved Toppings Between Meat And Top Bun; With Horseradish, Cole Slaw and Pickle Slices Between Meat And Bottom Bun.

A Sandwich Whose Marriage Is On The Rocks =
Hot Sub...On Ice.

A Sandwich With A Restraining Order =
The Sandwich Is For Here, The Toppings Are To Go.

Death God Of War

2008-04-28T12:44:00.005-04:00

I like the anime series Bleach, a series about a normal guy becoming a Death God. I like the video game God of War, a game about Stone-Cold Rambo 'Diesel' Schwarzenegger killing the entire population of ancient Greece. And today, the PSP Fanboy website put the banners for the two of them on top of each other. Way to go, two great tastes tasting great together.

Allo, Poppet!

2008-04-11T01:23:00.004-04:00

No parody, no commentary...just a really cool song.

"Cops And Robbers"

And just to be fair:

Larry Curly and Mo-Cap

2008-04-08T13:06:00.004-04:00

Another Epic Games update:

More motion capture work means more excitement! We got on the evening news, we're going to get to go to a motion-capture-team party at the ~~sprawling estate~~ house of one of our contacts at the company, and best of all, I have more NDA-sanitized pictures!

There I am in my mo-cap suit, ready to act like a tough guy wearing about twice my personal body-weight in armor.

Here's a mysterious squiggle of masking tape on the ground of the mo-cap studio. What could it be? An alien chalk outline? The boundaries of an energy conduit we're about to be sucked into? A Georgia O'Keeffe print?

And this is from down the hall in Epic Games' in-house mini-gym (it's how all those game developers stay so buff). You can set the Stair Machine to simulate the steps of famous landmarks. Not just the number, but also the angle of inclination. It's a little crazy, but not as crazy as the options I'd have programmed in:

And Iron...Iron So Far Away

2008-04-07T21:50:00.004-04:00

Project Rooftop, the blog that asks the question: "What if superheroes wore cooler outfits?" posted an Iron Man Redesign contest. Then my friend Sketch challenged several of us to enter.

Now, I'm no artist, but I did try my hand at a quick doodle. It's probably not submission-worthy, but hey, this is my place; I get to post whatever I want.

We're Happy You Made It...

2008-04-06T23:57:00.003-04:00

The best video game ever...

You Have To Burn The Rope

Words cannot describe how satisfying it is to complete a game in less than 20 hours.

But what about 5-year-old zombies?

2008-03-28T11:44:00.002-04:00

I went down to Atlanta to visit friends and see Paul&Storm and Jonathan Coulton in concert. I hope to get around to writing about that, but first, a couple facts:

27

57%

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm In Recovery

2008-03-19T10:09:00.005-04:00

Found on Marvelous News:

First of all, Operation Hulk sounds like the Mad Lib General Ross fills out every morning at work:
"Hey, Samson. Give me an '-er' noun and your favorite pet."
"Um...'policer' and 'goldfish'?"
"Fine. Tell the men we're deploying at 1100 hours for Operation Hulk Policer Goldfish. Prepare the underwater officers. Agamemnon, I need a past tense verb and the name of someone at the table."
"Yawn... 'broke' and 'Glenn Talbot'."
"Perfect! Send word that, at 1230 hours, we move on Operation Hulk Broke Glenn Talbot. Poor man. Deserves my daughter, but that monster made that impossible. Betty: a gerund and an adverb."
"Daaaaaad...oh, fine. 'Moving' and 'Gratefully'."
"That'll do, I guess. Get the Hulkbusters ready by 1400 hours for Operation Hulk Moving Gratefully...uh...hmm. Oh! Okay, get Century 21 and Atlantic Van Lines on the phone. We need Banner's house cleared out and all his stuff shipped to the Hulkbuster base by Friday. Gets him out of our hair, am I right?"

Meanwhile, look at Hulk's hand in that picture: he got in a fight with Voldemort right before this was taken. Maybe that's the reason that he's farting noxious fumes: Hulk's body absorbs the Killing Curse and digests it, shooting the remnants out as a defense mechanism.

And what about those other indentations. Don't you hate it when you fall asleep on top of your teddy bear, heart and butterflies? I'm surprised he didn't have a keyboard one on his face, but then, why would Hulk fall asleep at a computer?

And while we're on the 'Why' question: Why are Spider- and Iron Man the physicians in attendance? I'd personally go with Doctor Strange and Mister Fantastic...you know, men with MDs, not just technically smart guys who probably think the heart is on the far right side of the ches...oh wait (looks at box art)...okay, maybe they know better than I do.

I do notice though that this game is meant to be played for 15 minutes. 15 whole minutes, huh? That sure is an entertaining game if you can take a good 20 minutes to pull it out, set up all the pieces explain the rules...and then it'll keep your 6-or-more-year-old entertained for half the time it takes to cook a pizza. Or, to be fair, as long as it'd take to watch an episode of almost any show on Adult Swim.

Okay, now we should open the box and look at the board itself.

And definitely click on the picture to see it full size.

Okay, so I'm going to try to guess what those are supposed to be. I assume I'll be hitting on at least a couple of their bad puns, but probably not all of them...
1) Missile Toe
2) Bear Foot
3) Sea An(kle)nemone
4) Never-Changes-Pants Crotch Sweat
5) The Bruce banner (get it? get it?)
6) Pulled Hamstring?
7) Butterflies In Hulk's Love Handles? Moth-Eaten Clothes?
8) Hulk's Heart Isn't In The Right Place
9) Shoulder Boombox? (Is that supposed to be a rib cage?)
10) Lightning Reflexes? Shooting Pain Up Your Left Arm? The Shocker? General Thunder Ross? The Thunder Of Mighty Guns? Waitwaitwait: it must be misplaced from his hands. It's Thunderclap.
11) Green Thumb
12) Form Of A Fist Made Of Ice...

I think my favorite, by far, is that apparent sea anemone. What the hell is that? From when Hulk went wading near the Great Barrier Reef? Or when he landed in the Danbury Aquarium? Ridiculous.

Random Song Select

2008-03-15T03:17:00.005-04:00

I have been challenged!

My friend Ted posted this in his blog (and then emailed me a personal link to it as a pointed challenge).

A friend of his found a Photoshop game to keep graphically-inclined people occupied for hours. The game is to create an album cover using random elements.
Find a random phrase (using the Wikipedia Random Article function); that'll be the band name.
Find a random quote (using a random quote generator); the last four words of the last quote on the page will be the album title.
Find a random picture (using Flickr's Interesting Photos); the third photo will be the background image for the album.

Now build the album cover from those three pieces, making use of all your Photoshop skills.

I've been making them all night while I wait for other people or whenever I get a second. Here's what I came up with:

Timeline of Afghanistan is heavily influenced by Evanescence, Linkin Park and the entire Dollar Bin at your local Indie CD store. They feel that they've got a lot to be sorry about, sorry for, and sorry in so far as. Their new CD is a concept album based on what the drummer's troubled youth would have been like if he had tried just one more time to run away from home. Rider Specifications: four (4) bottles of L'Oreal Pox Black nail polish in each band member's dressing room, one (1) bowl of flowers and one (1) hairdryer plugged in next to said bowl.

The Lee County, Florida Sheriff's Office has been talking about putting out an album since 1983, when they first realized 3/4 of their officers had, at one time or another, learned how to play an instrument. It all came together when they needed to raise money to get to a crime-stoppers convention in Illinois and needed to make some money to afford plane tickets. Their first effort (and they had so much fun, they swear it won't be their last) includes their hit single, "Off The Cuffs," a tribute to Jimmy Buffet's music and Lee County's most notorious baddies. Rider Specifications: For the show to go on, there must be at least 30 kids under the age of 12 and/or 40 senior citizens over 60 in the audience.

Fur Seal plays Death Metal with no concern for the fact that a good 95% of the Adult Swim show Metalocalypse has been directly lifted from footage from their episode of Behind The Music. Their lead singer's name is Körgin Billy. That's not a typo or a pseudonym; his parents gave him that name at birth...along with his abdominal scars. Rider Specifications: Someone for the entire band to simultaneously hate, otherwise, they'll turn on each other pre-concert like a pack of rabid opossums.

Anneli Jäätteenmäki's Cabinet is a Swedish supergroup, made up of former members of Ace of Base, Abba, The Cardigans, The Hives and The Hellacopters, from before any of the groups became famous. The lead singer has a crush on Ian Anderson, and she hides his name in every one of the band's songs: anagrams, acrostics, or just using the string of letters '-ian' at the ends of words like 'Canadian' and 'Edwardian.' In fact, she's hidden his name twice on the cover of this newest release; Christ, she's like a demented Highlights editor. Rider Specifications: An open cash bar. Yes, it actually uses that phrase. Most venues assume it means they want to mix their own drinks and leave the money on the counter. No one's complained yet.

Command History likes to think of themselves as Weezer-meets-Barenaked-Ladies, but really they're just a cheap Smash Mouth knockoff. You know, like Sugar Ray. Rider Specifications: Glasses tape. They only wear their glasses on stage; they've all had Lasik. Really, guys? Really?

Varandinha is former Bollywood actress Varandinha Rajadhyaksha branching out to achieve mainstream international diva status. The only way to describe her music is kitschily catchy. Imagine if Shakira had been an Indian princess, and you're almost there. Rider Specifications: Two (2) bottles of suntan lotion, One (1) copy of the latest Danielle Steel paperback, four (4) steak kabobs... she should probably just kiss Richard Gere and get it over with.

Château LaFleur is an all-bisexual 7-member French punk band that prides itself on the sheer number of permutations for in-band relationships it has to offer the media. They also are steadfastly anti-SETI, a sentiment echoed on their new CD. They believe that if/when humans and extraterrestrials talk/meet, we should let it be on their terms and stop wasting all this money on clogging up intergalactic communication frequencies. Also, they hated Jody Foster in Contact. Rider Specifications: Wall-to-wall pillow mats, Jacques Brel over the intercom, and 2 hours of uninterrupted sex time before and after each performance.

Wow. My bands spread out quite a bit, didn't they? That's show biz for you.

1) Pata Pata Pon, 2) Pata Pata Pon, 3) Pata Pata Pon 4) Pata Pata Pon

2008-03-04T23:22:00.004-05:00

Every time my Patapons go into Fever mode, their call and response sounds like they're saying "Let the bodies hit the floor."

A Little Less Conversation

2008-03-03T20:03:00.004-05:00

While talking with my friend David the other day, we got to discussing our favorite movies, as friends are wont to do periodically. As always, I brought up the fact that sets my opinion apart from that of the rest of the civilized world: I really love the movie Van Helsing.

I like the movie-monster pastiche it presents, enjoy both the male and female leads (Hugh Jackman & Kate Beckinsale), applaud the true-to-Shelley handling of Frankenstein's Monster, get into the action hardcore, and feel on the whole that it does a good job of transporting a James Bond flick to the 1800s.

I do understand that the movie has several glaring flaws (e.g. Dracula's overacting, the insanity of the subplots, and Kate Beckinsale being an 1800s female who dresses like Madonna and acts like Victoria Beckham), but I forgave the movie all those faults because it looked so goddamn awesome.

I mock movies like it's my job, but this is one of those ones I give a free pass because it gives me all the elements of the most kickass movie ever, and it doesn't give me time during the movie to realize that half of the reasons I like it are my own extrapolations from actual scenes.

That's right: I like Van Helsing partially because I have added to it in my head, making it a better movie by creating new dialog, plot points and action sequences. And I love the movie more every time I watch it...because each viewing means I get to make up more.

Now that I've defended my position pretty soundly, I'll return to the topic at hand: talking about Van Helsing with David. David said that the primary reason he could not even make himself watch the movie is that, when he thinks of Van Helsing, he thinks of the old man who stoically defeated Dracula. In other words, Peter Cushing:

He therefore finds it distasteful and/or untenable that Van Helsing would be a thirty-something action hero. In other words: Hugh Jackman:

To which I replied (in all seriousness), "I can see that. It'd be like if someone's putting out a Sherlock Holmes movie, and you find out it's starring Jason Statham."

Jason Statham, star of the Transporter films, Crank, and (shudder) the DungeonSiege movie -- the man I would consider this generation's Bruce Willis-- playing Sherlock Holmes (also played at one point by Peter Cushing, incidentally), the legendary proponent of Mind Over Matter, Brain Over Brawn, who usually had Watson along simply so somebody else could get powder burns on their hands. Ridiculous and analogous, right?

We agreed on that point, and a few moments went by... at which point I realized that I really, really wanted to see that movie. Not Van Helsing, but:

What a kickass Sherlock Holmes movie that would be. Logical, yes. Willing to bash a few Moriarty-goon skulls to get enough breathing room to use his own, Hells yeah. Able to identify mud by color, chemical content and region of origin, true. Able to pleasure femme-fatale Irene Adler (maybe sexed up in this version to Irina Adlokov) and good girl Mary Russell alike,

Watson could be Mos Def or Paul Rudd or someone similar, and the Baker Street Irregulars would be a teenage street gang led by Shia Labeouf. Moriarty...okay, I'll keep Dennis Hopper as a fallback option, but top choice: Stephen Dorff.

Because even though he's not really that big a name around Hollywood, he may have been the one decent thing about the movie Blade (oh, all right, Jeff, the wall of fetuses was also pretty cool).

Now that I've cemented plans for that movie, obviously, we need others to be similarly directed and cast.

Let's see:
Van Helsing --> Hugh Jackman (today's Kurt Russell)
Sherlock Holmes --> Jason Statham (today's Bruce Willis)
...

Hmm...how about something for Clive Owen (today's Mel Gibson...in...in a good way though)…

They’re making a Hobbit movie, right? Let him be Gandalf. Let’s see those Middle Earth baddies try to pick on the short guys when they’ve got One-step-better-than-Viggo-Mortensen at their backs.

And for Vin Diesel (today's Sylvester Stallone)...

Obviously, we need an Albert Einstein flick. Just before the climax, he realizes he’ll never escape from Germany if he’s got wild, poofy Doc Brown hair, so he shaves it all off and kicks some Nazi ass in:

And something for Daniel Craig (today's Michael Biehn)...

Let's see...some classic role usually played by an older man that stereotypically calls for urbanity and stiff sensibility, but that Daniel Craig can endow with action and bring back to the forefront of an awesome-factor-starved viewing public's consciousness... Oh! I know!

In-The-Field Manual 1: Emails

2008-02-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

And Now, a Simon FitzKit In-The-Field Manual...

E-Mail Addresses:
Several Varieties That Just Do NetWork For Me

In the olden days of radio, television and Commodore 64 computers, there were only two modes of personal communication: telephones and letters.

This is not to say that talking face to face, HAM operating, Morse code, smoke signals, flashlight-blinking, drawing The Dancing Men, using Navajos in wartime, and body language were not around, per se...it's just that for purposes of simplicity, this reporter will not be counting them as 'modes' of communication, but rather as 'medians'. A fine distinction that all lovers of mathematics are sure to appreciate. Tangent complete.

Both telephonics and epistulature allowed for decent-sized messages to be delivered from sender to recipient in a fairly timely manner, and this was due to one thing and one thing only:

STANDARDIZED CONTACT INFORMATION.

When you found yourself wanting to contact a business associate of personal acquaintance via telephone, you simply rotary-spun their seven uniquely-stringed digits and added three more if they lived in some distant mecca like Chatanooga or Newport News.

And when you put your feet up on the desk and dictated to Miss Maxwell a four-page editorial that the Post never printed --much to the paper and the general public's loss-- you made sure she typed out an envelope with FIRST LINE: Name, SECOND LINE: Street, and THIRD LINE: City, State and Zip Code...possibly adding a fourth line if the letter was to be Attention of a particular individual.

However, today, the youths use "E-Mail."

Short for "Electronic Mailing System Using Computers Instead Of A Postal Service," E-Mails were created to make communication speedier and more readily available for perusal. However, somewhere along the way, people... got Stupid.

Take a look at these examples:

unycornwomyn@hotmail.com

Obviously, 'unicornwomyn' and 'unicornwomon' had already been taken. And while it may be more genderally acceptable to spell 'womyn' with a 'y' instead of an 'a', there can be little argument that horses with a horn in their foreheads don't normally try to buck patriarchal oppression. People aren't going to easily understand your wacky alternative spelling any more than they do your wacky alternative lifestyle, so if your first choice was taken, change words, not letters.

shtkckr@netscape.com

Same thing to you, sir, with an added warning. Deleting letters is as confusing as changing them, and your choice of words makes contacting you that much more difficult. "Yes, please do E-Mail me, prospective employer. My E-Mail address is shit-kicker...only leave out all the vowels...at netscape dot com. What's your E-Ma... oh I shouldn't E-Mail you, you'll E-Mail me? Oh. Oh, right then. Good afternoon."

henryrichardforrest-marchester@gmail.com

Now, this young man went with the usually valid and admirable tack of making his E-Mail his name. However, he got a little carried away with himself... as it were. 'henrymarchester' would have been fine. So too would have been 'henry.marchester' or 'henry_marchester' or if that hyphenated last name is so important, go with just 'forrest-marchester'...but the full-on johnjacobjingleheimerschmidt treatment is a trifle too much. Just think of the poor PTA member who compiles the school's E-Mail list into a handy booklet. Think of how hard she has to work to format those columns to fit on one page-width. Think of how it takes more time to write your E-Mail than it takes most people to write the alphabet. Think on that, Henry Richard Forrest-Marchester...Think.

thetimehascomethewalrussaid@earthlink.net

Too long. No clever phrase is worth the annoyance of typing it out over and over every time you have other things to talk about. Save that kind of witty one-liner for use as the case-sensitive password to your first apartment's Wi-Fi connection. Or, alternatively, learn embroidery and make yourself another be-sentenced pillow for your drawing room.

wierdyoghurt@excite.com

Hey! Brighteyes! Learn to spell. Meanwhile, your doppleganger over at 'weirdyoghurt@excite.com' has been spamfiltering all your party E-Vites...or has she been...accepting them? Om-in-ous-Chord!

bulbasaur494@comic.com

Trust me on this, it's not worth it to only be the 494th person at comic.com to want to be contacted via 'bulbasaur.' Regardless of how kicking and radical his vine-whip attack may be, your friends aren't going to remember what number ticket you pulled in the E-Mail queue. If you've got so little fear of public humiliation, why not 'iambulbasaur' or 'hugabulbasaur' or 'bulbabulba'... or even 'istillwatchpokemon'. All equally pathetic but infinitely easier to recall.

angelinajolie@aol.com

No. You're not Angelina Jolie, and you're not going to trick me again. NEXT.

ar653020@appstate.edu

Now, this wasn't young AR's fault. It's the school's idiocy. "Want to email your classmates? All you need to know are their first and last initials...and a random 6-digit sequence." Plans are probably in the works to make these emails more readily available and more easily attributable to their owners, but that road, unfortunately, leads to bar-code tattoo parlors.

basgegcon@gmail.com

This reporter sees what you did there. "Scrambled 'EGGS' in 'BACON'"...scrambled eggs and bacon. Very clever. It's short, sweet, and at gmail.com. This reporter is all for it...except for the anagramming of EGGS into gobblety-gook. For you see, you can't tell people what your E-Mail address is. "It's scrambled EGGS 'n BACON at gmail dot com"? No. That gives away your joke, and your doppleganger over at scrambledeggsandbacon@gmail.com will steal all your friends. "Anagram EGGS and put it inside BACON"? Too vague. "Anagram EGGS and put it after the 'a' in BACON"? We still don't know what gibberish anagram of EGGS to use. "Bahs-gehg-cohn"? That's the most promising route, but try saying it aloud and imagine having to transcribe it.

Oh, prattle. Now this reporter's just needlessly nitpicking; basgegcon@gmail.com is possible the most bully E-Mail considered to date. Way to go, Basgegcon, you've won my admiration, and the official Simon FitzKit Piranha Trophy!

Until next time, this is Simon FitzKit...IN THE FIELD!

DON'T EAT AT JOE'S

2008-02-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

Found via Sketch:

FROM WIKIPEDIA:
*****************************
A Hobson's choice is a free choice in which only one option is offered, and one may refuse to take that option. The choice is therefore between taking the option or not taking it. The phrase is said to originate from Thomas Hobson (1544–1630), a livery stable owner at Cambridge, England who, in order to rotate the use of his horses, offered customers the choice of either taking the horse in the stall nearest the door—or taking none at all. It is analogous to the expression "my way or the highway".
...
In the 1980s there existed a restaurant popular with students in Cambridge (England). Its name was Hobson's Choice. The menu was... Dish of the Day.
*****************************

Well, if they could get away with one restaurant so blatantly based on an obscure-reference gimmick, obviously, I can get away with far more than that.

Fine Dining For The Well-Informed

Come on down to MORTON'S FORK, the cozy little country cafe that's just off the beltway! Wikipedia says, "Morton's Fork is an expression that describes a choice between two equally unpleasant alternatives." And here at MORTON'S FORK, our chef serves up all sorts of equally unpleasant menu options! Scrambled eggs drenched in vinegar! Peanut butter and banana soup! A goblet of menstrual blood! So many things on the menu, you'll have a hard time deciding. Because they're just that nasty.
PS: That logo is from the actual MORTON'S FORK restaurant. Yeah, Britain actually creates these things that I want to make fun of. God bless you, United Kingdom.

Or try THE STRANGE LOOP for some slightly different Italian cuisine. Wikipedia says, "A strange loop arises when, by moving up or down through a hierarchical system, one finds oneself back where one started." Yes, stop on by THE STRANGE LOOP, the home of the bottomless Spaghetti Bowl!

Or what about THE GOLDEN HAMMER, that fancy Chinese place right around the corner from wherever you live? Wikipedia says, "A golden hammer is any tool, technology, paradigm, snake oil, buzzword or similar whose proponents enthusiastically sing its praises. They predict that it will solve multiple problems, including some for which it is obviously not suitable." Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired? Bad dancer? Looking for love? Trying to better your backhand? Need to purchase some silver polish but only believe in the barter system and only have Odyssey of the Mind pins to trade? Then order the mu shu pork. We so good it hurt.

And for dessert, stop on by HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO, where it's always Buy-One-Get-One-Free Day at the bakery!

...Actually, that last one would probably be pretty damn popular.

27

2008-02-07T22:38:00.000-05:00

27th post in this new journal, on 2/7, my birthday.

Way to not even plan that, Simon.

Weird how my sidebar says this is post 25, but my dashboard says it's 27. (shrug)

I've been sick for the past 3 days, with a fever of --at times-- 104, and more congestion in my throat than on 1-85 every time I drive to Atlanta.

So it was not the 26th B-Day extravaganza I'd envisioned. In fact, at one point our neighborhood's owner came to the door and suggested I move my car just in case the water main "exploded on it." That's not my idea of a party. Although, I suppose it would technically qualify as a surprise shower.

I've been dreaming about 2 things:
1) Alias. I'm halfway through the 3rd season, and it's so addictive that if I stop in the middle of an episode to nap, my mind tries to create new plot lines to tie up all the loose ends.
2) Some kind of process that reduces things/people/experiences to cigarette-length Dr-Mario-style pills. And this is the disturbing one because it confuses me so profoundly --both in and out of dream state-- that I still don't understand the who or what or why of it all. All I know is that at one point, the only way I could solve the current problem was by letting my fingers act as a tiny person and climb a ladder built out of these condensed essence pills. I...just don't know.

In any case, this past year has been really great. I'm doing what I love to do, I'm getting paid to do it, and people like me again. It's nice having a lot of friends. I believe in psychological circles, this is known as the Norm Complex: the driving desire for people to call out your name in unison as you walk into the room. I'm on good terms with my sister, my parents are calming down quite a bit, the two-man improv group I'm half of got into DSIF, I've visited Atlanta several times and felt the love, comic books are pretty cool, and I own Rock Band, which makes me the most popular kid at all the parties.

...Here's hoping I don't die in my sleep tonight or something similarly O-Henry-ishly stupid.

Also, new entry up at Trouble in Parodies:
"The Fandom Menace"

The Red-Envelope Diaries: Parts 2 & 1

2008-02-04T00:32:00.000-05:00

Before I start, I'd like to plug the newest parodies I've written over at Trouble In Parodies:
Parody of Blümchen's "Heut' Ist Mein Tag"
Parody of Gren Day's "Minority"

And now...

The Red-Envelope Diaries - WEEK 20:

As with most diaries I've owned in my life, The Red-Envelope Diaries (my disc-by-disc coverage of my NetFlix subscription) has fallen by the wayside. I felt the latest movie in my queue deserved a moment's reflection, and so I'll quickly catch up the list:
Children of Men: Good lord, this movie was amazing. It had the tone you'd assume the "Y: The Last Man" movie will have to have, and Clive Owen, as always, equals awesome.

Ocean's Eleven: Didn't watch it. I got it in the mail, opened the envelope, shrugged it off, and returned it the next morning. It just wasn't the right moment, I guess. It's discs like this that make me kind of wish I had a two-or-more disc plan. Enh.

Cane Toads: An Unnatural History: Got this to show friends who hadn't take high-school Biology locally. Had a rousing good time. Oh, Australians. Oh, pseudo-documentaries. Oh, psychedelic amphibian nodules. Also came with a short about a boring 70-year-old radio DJ who almost gets in a 60-year-old female listener's pants, but she falls asleep before he can play her record...oh, and he manages to blow up the lower floors of the radio station and fall in the sewer, but those are just asides.

Film Crew: Giant of Marathon: MST3K's cast mocks more movies. Not much to say on this, actually. I really don't understand why Mike Nelson isn't president or somesuch.

Blacula: A blaxploitation classic. For some reason, Blacula tried to save his love by putting her in the coffin where the attackers were sure to stake her instead of him. Way to be chivalrous, Dick-ula.

The Departed: Supposedly great. I wouldn't know because the disc sat on my shelf for 2 weeks before the Special Edition went on sale at Best Buy, and I just bought it outright and returned the NetFlix one unseen.

The Fountain: The Fountain of Youth + Hugh Jackman + Rachel Weisz = Awesome, right? I managed to get five minutes into it before deciding the music had set the most depressing tone I'd ever heard...and I turned it off. Then the disc sat on the shelf for a good month before I finally said, "I'm never going to watch this," and returned it.

Time Changer: Time travel + The Bible = a hilarious first-season MadTV sketch...or this movie: the most irritatingly hypocritical flip-flopping Christian tripe I've ever seen. And I watched "If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?" I did have fun mocking it at every turn though, especially when it talked about how all movies are the Devil's handiwork. Good to know, movie. Good to...heeeeeey,waibamimmip!

And that brings us to this week's acquisition: "Oldboy." The NetFlix description, for your benefit:
"With no clue how he came to be imprisoned, drugged and tortured for 15 years -- and no one to hold accountable for his suffering -- a desperate businessman seeks revenge on his captors, relying on assistance from a friendly waitress. Korean director Chan Wook Park -- a former philosophy student and Hitchcock devotee -- uses his influences to create a mesmerizing psychological drama with a resolution that will leave you speechless."

It sure did. It's the kind of movie where you read the summary and say, "Hmph. Seems like everybody and his uncle is a 'Hitchcock devotee' these days. We'll see if he actually uses any Hitchcock at all." And then you watch the movie, and you sit there and say, "The director of this movie must have 1) been a Psychology student and 2) really, really liked Hitchcock." So...uh... expectations met, I guess.

Or exceeded. Because the movie, as it turns out, is about
NOT-QUITE-A SPOILER ALERT
revenge-cest, which is --as you might or might not guess-- getting revenge via incest. I was not expecting that going into a movie about a man being kidnapped for 15 years, but then it's Korean, so how was I to even know if it would deliver on anything but the 'leaving me speechless' part?

********************

The following is a reposting of Part 1 of The Red-Envelope Diaries, from another journal, another time, another corner of the interblag. If you've already read it, it's still the same as it was the first time.

********************

Having signed up for a 1-disc-at-a-time NETFLIX subscription (to get a free laptop, cross-fingers-cross-fingers), I believe it is time we knew exactly what horrors and wonders lurk in the depths of the world's foremost rent-by-mail service (well, except for WeeklyRussianBridalPost, but they're a niche market)

WEEK 1:
Having entered all of my preferences and created a relatively short 40-disc list last Monday, I received Zardoz in the mail last Tuesday.

ZARDOZ (1974): In this cult favorite from John Boorman (Beyond Rangoon), 23rd century society is split into two castes -- the overly civilized Eternals and the barely civilized Brutals -- one of which is constantly controlling the other. The Brutals worship a huge stone figure known as Zardoz. When Zed (Sean Connery) begins to question the authenticity of this god, the film is able to offer some pointed commentary on class structure and religion.

I have heard (from reliable sources) that Zardoz is one of the Worst sci-fi movies ever made. Thus, I must watch it. (Actually, it probably means I must buy it, but for some reason, I've gone all thrifty in this instance.)

Regardless, it's a must-see, if only because Sean Connery apparently rushes at a Burt-Reynolds-lookalike frat some time during the movie.

Oh, hazing. Is there anything you can't demean?

Back to NETFLIX however. The disc arrived on Tuesday alright, but it didn't arrive "all right." In fact, the DVD wasn't just scratched or grimy, it was broken. There was an enormous crack that went all the way through the disc. I immediately filled out the online Damaged Disc form and mailed it back Wednesday afternoon. Thursday, they let me know they'd received it and that the Raleigh NETFLIX hub didn't have a second copy to send me for Friday (I'd actually have been more disappointed in them if they did own two copies of Zardoz locally).

My new disc arrived from Cleveland today. It is in good condition and at least the Main Menu plays well. I await other souls than myself to join in the fun.

Doesn't it sound like a sleep aid?

Whoa-whoa-whoa, Barack Up A Second!

2008-01-29T15:44:00.000-05:00

I don't think people understand equality any more.

From the video (for when the video is taken down at some point in the future):
"They have found themselves a good Negro, and so they're going to vote for him. Now that's the kind of Negro... 'Now Jesse Jackson...Look over there at...' --Here's what all those middle-America white folk are saying...Here's what they're saying, all those liberal bleeding-heart white folk...here's what they're saying: 'Jesse Jackson, look over there. Now if you'll be a good boy like Barack and don't talk bad to us, don't smart-mouth us, don't talk about us, don't say nothing about us, we'll vote for you too. See, Barack's a good Negro.'"

So now not bringing up race is being a race-traitor? A bright new future boils down to repeating the horrors of the past? I'm sorry, Mr. Honorable James David Manning, but you're not helping The Dream out any. You're saying you want to be separate, that being a black politician demands that you denounce white politicians at every turn. That's separation from white folks, and I'm pretty sure I heard your father and his friends looked down on that sort of thing a few years back.

Of course, I also heard that politics was about making friends with as many people as possible so they like you and your ideas enough to completely fill in the bubble next to your name on any given Tuesday... but maybe I'm getting American politics confused with a popularity contest or American Idol or something similarly exactly-like-American-politics. So, you'll understand if I've been working under the assumption that making people not like you is a good way to get people to not vote for you.

But then, I shouldn't really expect that kind of consideration from you, since you do have videos on your site titled "Reverend Manning Repents" and "Sing O Ye Barren" -- and both of them do begin with a short speech by a young woman identified thusly:

Not the kind of thing you want to associate with "barren" or "repenting" is all I'm saying.

Mo Cap, Mo Problems

2008-01-24T01:57:00.000-05:00

The Shadow and I are working for Epic Games, doing Motion Capture for an as-of-yet unnameable project (i.e. The NDA I signed prevents me from saying what game we're working on until they actually announce the title).

So I can't tell you any specifics. However, I can go ahead and say: Mo Cap suits are hilarious, and I spent the entire day feeling like Jamie Madrox.

I get paid to do the most awesome things these days.

Console-ation Prizes

2008-01-23T01:32:00.000-05:00

Video Games I'm Looking Forward To And Don't Want To Forget:

1) Castle Crashers

Originally a game on Newgrounds.com, this Ninja-Turtles-like side-scroller may very well make me weep with joy every time I beat a boss battle and then have to fight my fellow knights for the right to save the one damsel-in-distress.

2) Patapon

Quirky, two-button music-centric game starring little monochromatic blobs? Didn't I already love this game once before? Oh wait, no, that was...

3) God of War: Chains of Olympus

Yes, I did, in fact, "not" buy a PS2 specifically so I could own the first two games in the series. Yes, I did, in fact, buy a PSP so that I (and my friend Ted) could play this game. Yes, I do, in fact, consider the God of War series some of the, if not The, best video games of all time. Greek mythology, badass boss battles, enormous landscapes, brilliant plot twists, death scenes to die for...stop. You had me at "mythology."

4) Jason and the Argonauts

Have I mentioned I like Greek mythology? What about how much I enjoy video games with mechanics like Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (switch characters midlevel, up stats in character-specific skill trees)? Yeah, this game is supposedly the lovechild of God of War and M:UA, and that kind of offspring is the sort wars are started over. But, you know, fun wars where you probably get to sleep with a sorceress who'll some day kill your kids and gift your wife with a poisonous wedding gown before being deus-ex-machina'ed out of your attack radius. Oh yeah, before I forget to mention it: I really like Greek mythology.

5) Brutal Legend

I am playing Psychonauts right now and am loving it to death. Yes, the difficulty curve fluctuates wildly. Yes, the collectibles are insanely difficult to finish collecting. Yes, the character models seem to be based on caricatures of childhood deformities.

But, god, I just killed a pyrokinetic cougar, then jumped into a madman's brain where the landscape was a 1950s neighborhood where Dali had gotten to design the sidewalks. With all that in mind, it was made by Tim Schafer, the guy behind Monkey Island, Grim Fandango, and now: Brutal Legend, in which Jack Black is a roadie with an ax for attacks (chopper) and an ax for magicks (guitar) who must quest across a world of heavy metal homages to rescue his girlfriend from My Chemical Romance fans.

...Now if only there were a hydra in it.

The Ice Cream of the Present...of the Future!

2008-01-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

I know I'm a bit late hopping on this bandwagon, but I was at Target the other evening and ran into a wall of Ben & Jerry's flavors dedicated to cultural icons.

I knew about Cherry Garcia and Phish Food; those are classics. I knew about Steven Colbert's Americone Dream and Willy Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler. I'd even heard about Neapolitan Dynamite. But I was not truly prepared for the sheer glut of eponymous flavors available.

Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies (Black Raspberry Ice Cream Swirled with Sweet Cream Ice Cream & Fudgy Brownies)?

Duff & D'oh-Nuts (Chocolate & Cream Stout Ice Creams with Glazed Chocolate Doughnuts)?

Bohemian Raspberry (Vanilla Ice Cream with Fudge Brownies & Raspberry Swirls)?

VerMonty Python (Coffee Liqueur Ice Cream with a Chocolate Cookie Crumb Swirl & Fudge Cows)?

I've decided that Ben & Jerry's just needs to stop pretending that it doesn't want to make cultural references 24/7; they should go ahead and change their company name to what they obviously have dreamed of calling it for years:

Yes, Zeitgeice Cream: Making frozen treats that reflect the public's interests since regular people bought stuff that reminded them of how much they like famous people.

And now, from the makers of Zeitgeice Cream, try Italian-dessert flavors like "Pope Jelly-Bean-edict" and "Cinnamonica Bellucci" when you have a taste of

(PS: Parody of Gwen Stefani's "The Sweet Escape" over at Trouble in Parodies. Check it out.)

Trouble In Parodies

2008-01-10T11:40:00.000-05:00

I have created a sideblog. It's called "Trouble In Parodies."

http://troubleinparodies.blogspot.com/

It will be the new home of all parodies I write, since, man, I write a lot of them. I'll still link to them from here, just in case you don't have an RSS feed and don't want to bookmark two bloglinks for one person.

So, it's been another year since I reworked the dialog bubbles in these Japanese Marvel comics, so it's time for the third annual installment of The All-New, All-Different X-Chibi!

...And, in order to avoid doubleposting on the RSS feeds that do exist, I'll only include the links in posts on 'In The Field...' that stand on their own.

With that in mind:

I had a dream last night about combination locks. As I've been watching a lot of Alias lately, I was apparently contemplating ways to make uncheatable combo locks. My dream idea: Dance-Step Security Systems.

You've seen the dance-step diagrams (probably in classic Disney cartoons), but just in case:

Now, imagine that on the floor in front of a vault --EXCEPT-- without the arrows and labels.

Each footstep would be a separate button that has to be hit in the correct order and with the correct rhythm. The Foxtrot, the Tango, the Bravo, the Charlie... any sort of interesting step. Maybe set it to your favorite song, the one you have memorized, so you know the beat you're moving to. This system could even replace those two-keys-turning-simultaneously locks; just have the mechanism be a layout for a couple to waltz through together.

Some might say, why not just have the key be a section of customized DDR-style hopping on a standardized quartet of buttons? But I say 1) with only four buttons, it's easier for a thief to hack the system and 2) four square arrowed buttons don't look nearly as awesome as this:

And the obvious music choice for my someday vault:
The Safety Dance.

It's Better To Receive Than To Get

2008-01-09T00:14:00.000-05:00

My birthday is fast approaching (February 7), and I'll be turning 26. To celebrate, I'd like a PS2. That's right, I'd like to have a PlayStation 2.

Now, I've made this a little more difficult for you kind souls out there: I bought myself a PS2 the day before New Years Eve. It's this one:

It was a stupid purchase; I realized that then, and I continue to realize it now. That's beside the point. Actually, that's not true; my point revolves around the fact that I was stupid to buy myself a PS2. I mean, I haven't even opened it yet. It's sitting in my room, still in the bag...lurking. Anyway.

So, while talking with my friend Ted earlier today, I said that I was just not going to open it until February 7, since then it would be like a birthday present to myself. I then jokingly said I could even ask my friends for a PS2 for my birthday, since --if twelve people send me 12 dollars each-- not only would they have gotten me a great gift, and not only would the gesture spark that whole my-friends-are-awesome chest-warmth-spread feeling, but it would also mean I would not have randomly spent $150 on a game system. Ted said, "I'd go in on that. Post it on your blog." So here we are.

Some people will see this as a greedy pig's way of trying to mooch off his friends using their sympathy as a conduit. I was certainly of that opinion for most of the day; after all, the inferiority complex in me is quite good at pointing out those sorts of positions.

Now, however, I look at it from an egotist's point of view: it's a good idea. Late last year, I had the great idea to go in with others to get a friend DDR for CMas. "That was an excellent idea," my inner egotist says. "Why am I the only one who has these ideas?"

Well, not to fear, because I've now had the idea for you. If you want to get me a birthday gift, but you think that 10-12 bucks won't get enough of a thoughtful gift, try this on for size:

If you buy me the PS2 I've already bought myself, you'll be saving a man from his demons, freeing him from financial burden while simultaneously gifting him with an enjoyable pastime that he'll let you come over and play.

And isn't that what every gift is really about?

Getting something back in return?

Morgan Freeman Moves From Electric Company To Sesame Street

2008-01-07T22:17:00.000-05:00

This. Is. Genius.

Se7en as Sesame Street Pinball

No...not that Se7en.

PSP: I Love You

2008-01-01T11:05:00.000-05:00

I saw this article a while ago, but I haven't thought about it while able to blog until now.

From the article:
"Users have been reporting that Remote Play has been secretly updated in the last firmware revision. With PS3 2.10, PS3 owners that have a Remote Play-ready system will be able to play any PS1 game on their handheld."

Yes, that's right: You can now plug in your PS3, turn on your PSP and play PS1 games on the tiny screen.

...What!? I understand the seductive draw of ports and backward compatibility, I do. It just seems that, at some point, you're going to reach critical mass...like so:

1) Drop your PS1 game onto the mousetrap.
2) Mousetrap springs, flipping the disc into a balloon.
3) Balloon pops, dropping the book it was under.
4) Book (the hardcover guide that came with Lunar: Silver Star Saga Complete) flattens disc on conveyor belt.
5) Impact disturbs cheerleader pyramid of Lego Star Wars figures, all of whom fall into cup.
6) Extra weight in cup activates pressure plate below, turning on conveyor belt.
7) Disc and book travel down belt, under hanging (pivoting and spring-loaded) pencil. Lunar guide pushes bottom of pencil forward, then passes under.
8) Pencil springs back, rotating so far that its top smacks domino on shelf above conveyor belt.
9) Dominoes tumble, pacing the disc and book below until final domino hits racquetball.
10) Racquetball bounces down narrow wooden chimney and hits pressure plate below, stopping conveyor belt.
11) Lunar guide simultaneously runs into another hanging pencil.
12) The impact knocks over bottle of acid, which spills into torus-shaped tube and drips out onto conveyor belt, just past where disc is held fast by pencil.
13) Acid eats through conveyor belt in circle, and a disc-sized circle of the belt falls down into beaker below.
14) Weight of belt circle and extra acid is enough to activate pressure plate, turning on conveyor belt again.
15) Disc is held still by pencil, but belt moves underneath it. Soon, hole wraps around bottom of conveyor belt and comes up under disc.
16) Disc falls through hole into PS3 below.
17) You left on vacation, like, an hour ago, and you've turned on your PSP on the bus to the airport.
18) You may now play KISS Pinball.

Alternatively:
1) Turn on PSP.
2) Play Exit.

More Than Meets The Eye

2007-12-28T22:14:00.000-05:00

1) Warren Ellis says:
"Theatre is only ever pointless when there’s only five people in the room."

I believe theater is only pointless when the performers believe it's pointless. I've done improv shows for 4 people --with 6 people onstage-- and everyone present had a blast. I've also been in shows for 50 people that I felt were a complete waste of all of our time.

It all comes down to how you view the act of performance. If you hold it to a strict must-have-at-least-_____-audience-members requirement, and then you do a show for that many people and aren't committed because "only a quorum showed up" ...that attitude's going to translate into a pointless --and most likely lifeless-- show. But if you go into it with the idea that you're doing this show especially for these four people, and you're going to give them your attention (and, in the case of improv, gear your humor toward them in particular) ...the show will be fun for both performers and watchers, and they'll go home and tell their friends, "It was an amazing show. If only more people had come. Next time, you should come with us."

Simply stated, perception is 9/10 of the law.

I assume that's the gist of Chapter 4 of The Secret, so maybe you already knew that.

2) Baby exoskeletons?! (link)

Gotta Getta Gundam.

At second glance, it said something different

2007-12-22T18:49:00.000-05:00

Norton Antivirus has detected
the traitor on your computer.

I'll Be Marvel When I'm Dead

2007-12-20T13:24:00.000-05:00

In my Inbox this morning:
-------------------------------
These messages were sent while you were offline.

11:46 PM Matt: Two word question for you: Marvel Zombies?
-------------------------------

MY ANSWERS:

1) Yes, I like the Marvel Zombies. I have read the books but do not own any for people to borrow; instead, I used the sneaky poor-comic-nerd tactic of "flipping through" each issue as it came out...flipping through page by page, panel by panel... good stuff. Really good, but what else does one expect from Robert Kirkman, zombie author extraordinaire? And every cover is a parody of a classic Marvel Milestone comic cover (same thing goes for every reprint, each with its own new cover to parody). I have also read and enjoyed Army of Darkness Vs. Marvel Zombies but only because I'm a sucker for new classic Bruce Campbell stories (especially since he's stopped being quite as cool these days).

2) Marvel Zombies got started during a run of Ultimate Fantastic Four when Ultimate Mr. Fantastic opened up a portal to another dimension, supposedly the main Marvel universe. Now, creators of the Ultimate universe had already said in multiple interviews that if Ultimate Marvel ever had a crossover with Earth-616 (the interdimensional area code for the main Marvel universe), "you'll know we're out of ideas and we should stop."

So fans were a bit nervous/disappointed to see this FF-crossover. BUT EXPECTATIONS BE DAMNED! It turned out that the alternate universe Ultimate Reed Richards had opened was actually another universe where all the superheroes had been turned into zombies. They'd retained most of their personalities, but now the desire to save people had been transformed into the desire to eat them as fast as they could.

Now, of course, we're to the point where a recent run of Black Panther comics had Earth-616 run into the Marvel Zombies, so that technically means we've had a two-step crossover with Ultimate, but hey, who cares about the spirit of the law these days, right?

3) Yes. Really. Marvel Zombies. I'm glad there are people who can think of these things because otherwise I'd say you can't make stuff like this up.

4) If I were a Marvel Zombie, I'd be Zombie Spiderman, constantly guilt-ridden from having eaten my loved ones, always making jokes that annoy the hell out of most of the rest of the zombie heroes (zombieroes?), always descending on a webline upside down and waiting until my prey turned to say a quick one-liner before grabbing their head and sucking out an eye.

5) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvel_Zombies

6) Except.

Hand The Beat Goes On

2007-12-08T13:24:00.000-05:00

Daft Punk.
Daft Punk.
Daft Punk.
Daft Punk.

Funny.
Funny.
Funny.
Funny.

Wait For.
Wait For.
Wait For.
Wait For.

Fifty.
Fifty.
Fifty.
Seconds.

So great. I love it.
And then --oh thank you, Lord-- someone made a parody of it.

I'd say the parody only stays funny through 1:18, but the Rule of 57 apparently applies; I laughed every time he did it.

The Lights Are On, But Nobody's Holmes

2007-12-08T03:14:00.000-05:00

I was at Borders earlier this evening trying to buy my father's CMas gift (Shh. Spoiler Alert) when I ran across something he might like even more:

The Crimes of Dr. Watson: An Interactive Sherlock Holmes Mystery.

Book Description From amazon.com:
Quirk Books is excited to announce the discovery of a never-before-published adventure from the pen of Dr. John Watson, steadfast companion of the legendary detective Sherlock Holmes. As the tale opens, we discover that Holmes has vanished and Watson has been framed for a grisly murder! Writing from a damp cell in Coldbath Fields penitentiary, the falsely convicted prisoner recounts the events leading to his arrest ...and provides twelve removable, facsimile clues that point to the true culprit. Among them are:

An article torn from a newspaper in California
A puzzling manuscript ripped into several pieces
A catalog of Victorian medicines and marital aids
Plus a telegram, an arrest report, an empty matchbook, a train schedule, and much more

It's up to you to sift through the clues and solve the thrilling whodunit. When you think you've identified the culprit, slice open the final signature of the book (sealed at the printer) to read the remainder of the story. With beautiful Victorian-style illustrations and first-rate production values, The Crimes of Dr. Watson will appeal to mystery lovers of all ages.

Wow, I thought, it has the entire story "The Final Problem," comes with envelopes of letters for clues, and a sealed Answers section at the back? Dad'll love this!

So I flipped it open to the first envelope. It was empty.

Hmm, I thought, maybe this clue is just the envelope itself.

The next envelope was also empty. In fact, the sentence on the following page made it clear I was supposed to be holding a train ticket of some sort. I wasn't, so I began to suspect shenanigans.

I flipped to the back cover, thinking that perhaps they'd been worried that the clues would fall out, so they'd decided to put all the enclosures in the back with the sealed Answers section.

The clues were, in fact, with the Answers, but unfortunately, the Answers weren't with the book. There were overlapping flaps of cardstock inside the back cover, suggesting that Answers should have been contained within their protective embrace, but they were as empty as the rest of the book.

How odd, I thought. Someone's flipped through this Display Copy and removed all the useful bits.

I grabbed the copy behind it on the shelf. It was empty.

Eight copies of the book --every copy in the store, as it turned out-- were all empty. I took the entire collection to the Information Desk and informed them of the problem, then waited a good 5 minutes while they checked my story against the reality of the books.

So bizarre. Those clues were, according to the book's own blurb, the only things that could free Dr. Watson. Who could have stolen them? The publisher? The manufacturer? Did the author have a change of heart after realizing some of the clues implicated him as one of Watson's persecutors? Did someone murder everyone in the Korean mystery-envelope-stuffing sweatshop? Or was it a jealous wife? Or an adulterous doctor? No. It was her employer: Ms. Scarlet. ...Um... Miss Study In Scarlet?

To make a long story short (Too late!), I bought the book I'd originally planned on buying. Sadly, Dad will have to wait for his Interactive Mystery. ...UNLESS I KILL SOMEONE AND SEND HIM THE CLUES!!!

...enh. I'll probably just buy it for him for Father's Day.

The World Health Organization's on first?

2007-12-07T23:05:00.000-05:00

From My Inbox:
-----------------------------------
SUBJ: WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
The company or e-mail address attached to this IP Address has been awarded the sum of Five Million United States dollars in WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION Award credited to file NO: M154S/WL04. You are to contact the claim processing department with the beneath requirement via email below.

1. FULL NAME: 2. AGE: 3. ADDRESS: CITY: STATE/ZIP CODE: COUNTRY: 4. PHONE NUMBERS: / FAX NUMBERS: 5. SEX: 6. OCCUPATION: 7. E-MAIL ADDRESS: ALTERNATIVE E-MAIL ADDRESS:

Hon. Marvin Valentino,
EMAIL; worldhealth_verificationdept02@yahoo.de

Co-ordinator,
Mrs. Jean Middleton.
-----------------------------------

Oh, those rascally kids, Mrs. Jean Middleton and the Honorable Marvin Valentino(1), are at it again! I didn't even realize the WHO had $5,000,000 to spare, what with their planning Conventions (while) on Psychotropic Substances and paying private eyes to continue AIDS surveillance, or whatever they do with their funding these days. Then again, they're probably still getting residuals from the movie Tommy and everything from CSI:Here to CSI:Eternity, so perhaps I can't fully comprehend just how large their petty cash drawer is.

Regardless, I'm curious as to what the requirements are to qualify for the World Health Organization Award (or WHOA for short). Since it's being awarded to "the company or e-mail address attached to this IP Address" I can only assume it's something I did online.

Maybe it was that googlechat I had with Tony about how awesome I think it is that none of us smoke; it wasn't exactly a public service announcement or anything, but it could've been if I'd Fw:'ed it to a listserve. I could have made the Subject line something like "ty 4 /smkng" or "lol bc I still have a healthy larynx," and that, my friends, would have been how you save lives.

Or perhaps it was my posting that picture denouncing malaria. You remember, this one?

I know, I know, people have been denouncing malaria for years (especially people who've seen The Streets at Southpoint), but maybe the world just needed my particular thousand words(2) to get the point(3).

Either way, I'm not going to let this go to my head. I have a responsibility to the World Health Organization to do the right thing with my newly acquired 5-mil. WHO cares how I spend their money, right? WHO gives a damn, you know? WHO indeed.

Also, their email (worldhealth_verificationdept02@yahoo.de) tells you in which country they're currently based. And the World Health Organization's base is most likely where some foul disease is, so I guess that means something is, in fact, rotten in the state of Denmark. ...I'll stop now.

(1) Sounds like the name Mel Brooks would use in a movie about Rudie Valentino's less-than-charming younger brother.
(2) Or, technically, 1004 words, I suppose.
(3) The South point? Sorry, I'll stop.

Finding Negative Space In Beauties

2007-12-05T03:52:00.000-05:00

I just downloaded the new (month old) Seether music video on my 360. "Fake It" is an awesome song and has a video that absolutely supports its message and tone. Of course, as lead singer Shaun Morgan says of it, "It's a catchy song, but in a good way." Take that as you will.

Intriguingly, the official youtube'd video has embedding disabled; apparently you're supposed to embed directly from the Seether website. I'm not complaining though, as they've got a bad-ass widget-builder for the song. My personalized widget lies below.

...I feel like talking about Seether via correctly constructed sentences is somehow a breach of grunge-metal etiquette.

I will say, even though it's making commentary on music-video conventions, there does seem to be a slightly ridiculous overload of scantily-clad sexy females falling over the band members. All it would take is a little parody of the commentary, perhaps less wardrobe and more blurred spots, and you'd have...well, why don't I show you?

PARODY OF SEETHER'S "FAKE IT"
(music video should star Jack Black as Shaun Morgan)

Who's to know if your boobs aren't real at all?
Present them and impress the world.
You'll lose your self-esteem along the way...ohwell!
Good god, you're bursting at the seams now!
Good god, why not take a bow?
Good god, fulfillin' all my dreams now!
You look so great, so strip yourself down! You're just...

Naked! If you want some affection.
Naked! Girl, it can't be wrong
to be Naked! Just show off your perfection!
Whoa-ho-ho, it's great for f*****g, isn't it?

You should know that your clothes won't hide your flaws.
Who cares about your shoulder mole?
Or that the carpet doesn't maaaatch...the drapes? Yeah.
Good god, you're curvier than esses!
Good god, don't be such a tease!
Good god, just rip up all your dresses
and panties, shirts, and cargo capris! And go...

Naked! Your entire complexion
Naked! I can see it all!
You're so naked! Going without protection:
Whoa-ho-ho, it's great for f*****g, isn't it?

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
(sexy dance break)

Coed Naked Soccer! We. Don't. Use Our Hands!
Coed Naked Skiing! Slalom on the slopes!
Coed Naked Rockers! World's Most Uplifting Bands!
Coed Naked Tro-o-opes...

Who's to know when your looks will fade away
And little bits will start to sag?
Let's get the most out of you while we can! Yeah!
Good god, you're grinding with your hips now!
Good god, your junk in the trunk!
Good god, you're puckering your lips now!
If I may say: you really got spunk! when you're...

Naked! Ready for a beef injection?
Naked! Out-uendo's fun!
Yeah Naked! Can you feel my erection?
Whoa-ho-ho, it's great for f*****g, isn't it?

Naked! That's my own predilection.
Naked! Won't you come along?
And be Naked! It's Au Natural Selection!
Whoa-ho-ho, it's great for f*****g, isn't it?

24/7

2007-12-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

I've been lied to.

Trusted friends informed me that they'd canceled the seventh season of 24 due to lack of fan excitement over Season 6. Today, I learned differently from a source apparently more reliable than all of my friends (namely mycokerewards.com). In fact, there will be a Season 7. The proof is in the ~~pudding~~ trailer: (SPOILER WARNING!!! EVEN I HAVEN'T WATCHED THIS!).

So what were my so-called friends talking about when they were brutally crushing my dreams of more contiguous action-adventure-stressfests? They were talking, it seems, about this:

"With only about 8 episodes completed (some reports say 9), the show, which is centered around their heavily serialized, 24 episode format, would be extremely off-balance were they to simply run those finished episodes now and then have fans go through a prolonged wait until the rest of the season was completed and ready to air. As the FOX press release puts it: '24 PREMIERE POSTPONED TO ENSURE DAY 7 PROVIDES NON-STOP ACTION!'"

Oooookay, so it's delayed. Good. I'm fine with a delay; that'll give me time to watch my DVDs of Season 6 (which I'm asking my parents for this CMas). Man, if it's delayed enough, maybe instead of watching Season 6 when I get it, I'll just watch Seasons 1-5 again.

Mmmmm...6 24's...gross.

I've Said It Before And I'll Say It Again

2007-12-01T11:40:00.001-05:00

Last night, I went through a 2-3 hour case of deja vu. It lasted from the moment I walked up to the theater through about 20 minutes after the Mister Diplomat show was over. It included scenes from the show, random conversations before and after, and a very odd moment when I almost pulled lights but then thought, "No, I remember blacking-out this show on a different line."

I mentioned this to one of my co-improvisers, and his theory ran as follows: "That's what you get for being at the theater so long. 'I remember Robin saying that exact thing before, only she was Olivia and we were in an ice cream shop.'"

I can't agree with that though. Because, as many people have found out, I actually remember those kinds of things, and thus I don't confuse them with deja vu. I have, in fact, seen improv scenes that are extremely reminiscent of improv scenes I've seen before (not surprising, considering I'm fairly sure I've reached the twenty-thousand mark by this point), and I've had conversations about the same things over and over, but neither of those compares to the very distinct feel of having lived a moment before.

I've never really wondered before what false memories must feel like; I've always left that particular angst to the professionals...

...but, man, glitches in the Matrix are disturbing when they last for longer than a couple minutes. I should go back and reread Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake with this newfound understanding.

Hmm. Is it just me, or does it seem fundamentally wrong to reread a book about longterm deja vu?

FELL from grace, FELL in love, FELL in with the wrong crowd

2007-12-01T11:12:00.000-05:00

From warrenellis.com:

"Ben Templesmith...is finishing FELL #9."

For those who have not yet witnessed the wonder that is FELL, please click here and read the entire first issue online...for (legally) free!

The point of the comic has always been to provide stand-alone stories about a messed-up city's brilliant-but-flawed detective-hero (hyphens awaaaay!) for only 2 bucks a piece. Each page is crammed with panels to make up for the low page count, and the format really adds to the intensity of the tales Ellis tells.

I, of course, have rendered that nice affordability gift moot by first purchasing the individual issues and then, just recently buying myself the first trade. Because I like it that much.

...I've let this journal sit here unposted for a good ten hours while I've tried to think of something else to say. Really, that was it: 1) FELL #9 is on its way and 2) If you don't know what that means, you should.

TTRPG: Thirty Thousand Rounds Per Gun

2007-11-07T19:00:00.000-05:00

2) 1000 Words (Training Wheels)
Ready for the next rung? Good. You've stolen someone else's ready-made character and made some aesthetic changes. Now, why not steal something more tangible and less defined? Why not steal a picture of your character? Now, there are those who will now be asking, "But how do I find a picture of a character I haven't made yet?" Simple: Find any picture that you think is awesome.

EXAMPLE:

(Taken without permission from this deviantART page - Beloved-Creature, the artist, is on hiatus from the interblag. That is my excuse. Moving on.)

My suggestion is a drawing/painting as opposed to a photo, simply because photos tend to lead to one of two pitfalls:
1) a celebrity parody, which last, maybe, an hour before they stop being funny
or
2) You, Like Cliff Yablonski, Will Hate Them

So use a drawing. You're much more likely to genuinely appreciate drawings. Good. Now that you've stolen the picture, what's done is done, so stop feeling guilty or nervous of reprisal and just make a character out of it. First off, take your first impression of the picture...

Example:
Creepy, evil snowman stalking its lessers, who are only an inch tall.

...and set that in stone as a base for your character. The reason for making this step is that you picked this particular picture for a reason. If you don't want to lose interest in your character, you should stay true to what attracted you to the drawing/photo in the first place.

Now, pick out details about that person/creature/chaaaaaaaraaaaacteeeer? by listing things you see in the portrait.

EXAMPLE:
evil looking snowman
giant bad-ass wooden claws
no mouth
glowing yellow eyes - magical?
tiny snowmen, some scared of him, some happy, some falling down
top hat that looks like warped metal
dark and spooky woods with light fog
claws hovering over tiny snowman

Those details, paired with your first impression and the picture itself, make the three-legged barstool that your character will sit on (where they'll most likely be served by Father Samuel Malronus). Now, flesh it out. Combine some details, insert some observations, and trust that your intuition will not lead you astray.

EXAMPLE:
Cusp
Once a wizard of incredible power, the creature now known as Cusp is a man's soul inhabiting the shell of a Winter Solstice (enhanced version of an ice elemental). It hates its own kind, as it was tricked into its current state by one. The wizard, years ago, summoned a Solstice and tried to dominate its mind to bend the creature to his own will. The Solstice submitted...but only as a trick. With a wrench, the Solstice gave the wizard control of its body, but in return it took control of his. The wizard lost all of his magical powers and he --or rather, it, as the wizard's sense of self stayed with his body-- it had to spend years learning how to use the Solstice's supernatural abilities. Now it (going by the name of Cusp) is able to create homunculus-like creatures in its own image and direct them to do its bidding. It has learned how to wield a Solstice's natural ironwood claws with brutal efficiency, and it has but one goal: finding and killing its former body. Cusp no longer even knows why it hates the wizard so much, and it is unaware that killing the man would forever trap it in this icy shell.

There. A wizard's mind trapped in an elemental's body. Sort of a Glen Or Rushy Glenda situation. It is important to note at this point that this treatise is not going to concern itself with stat blocks and class features. Those are limiting factors so that the people you play with can feel less insecure in the face of your kickass character concept. When creating a character, it is crucial that you not build it primarily around a rule system; once you start doing that, you lose sight of the character you want to play and start focusing fully on what game mechanics do you want to employ.

Boring. God, game mechanics are soulless and intractable and oftentimes just dumb. Seriously, why is D&D about to go to its 5th edition (called 4th Edition, but there was a Version 3.5 with all new books, so I stand by my assertion) if not because people found previous editions just dumb enough to stop being excited about?

Anyway. All I'm trying to say here is that you should build stats off of your character concept, not the other way around. Sure, let your Gamemaster/Dungeonmaster/Quartermaster have his power trip, let him rein in your creative concept to fit his overarching plot ideas, but don't make the assumption that he'll do it before he does. I promise you, if your character concept is cool enough, you'll be allowed to play it.

DISCLAIMER ONE: If your GM/DM/QM is a jealous dick, all bets are off.

DISCLAIMER TWO: "Overinflated munchkin" is not the same as "Badass character concept," so don't be a dick yourself.

With all that said, I reiterate: this treatise will not be covering any of that topic. Now, let's move on to the real meat of the matter, the average man's method of character creation:

3) Cover Letter Attached (biking through the neighborhood)

TO BE CONTINUED...

TTRPG: Ta Ta Requiring Parental Guidance

2007-11-06T19:42:00.000-05:00

While I was googlechatting with my friend Matt at midnight:45 last month some time, he asked me for a treatise on character creation, something I suppose I am fairly decent at (what with doing it for a non-living and all). He was especially interested in ways to create a character that don't require starting from scratch. Well, far be it from me to say that every character has some sort of inspiration and that starting from scratch is a total misconception since it's not like you're planting and harvesting the metaphoric grain to make your characterloaf here.

(PS: Characterloaf here:

Other Acceptable Answers Include: Eddie from Rocky Horror Picture Show and Robert Paulson from Fight Club.)

So I said I'd have that treatise to him by weekend's-end... last month some time. I have an excuse: I got to Method 2 and didn't have an example that I was excited about. So I got side-tracked. Well, I figured out a way around my problem. It's so simple when I think about it...

How To Create A Table-Top Role-Playing Game (TTRPG) Character Without Really Trying...
PART ONE

Many people, when trying out that Nerd's Haven known as role-playing, get bored halfway through their first session, saying, "My character is boring or annoying or too short or too useless." This condition is not usually the fault of the game itself, but instead the fault of the character design.

Some people have characters hiding in the recesses of their minds that they can easily pluck out and use at a moment's notice; interesting, unique, in-depth fictional entities with 8-page backstories ready-made. These people are very lucky, and they probably make people around them feel jealous and/or uncomfortable.

For the rest of the world, the unlucky and uncomfortable majority, I present here the easiest methods to create a playable character that you will want to hold on to for longer than eight hours (in game). They are ranked by how they compare to bike-riding.

1) Straight From The Box (Tricycle)
You watch TV. You peruse cartoons. You read books. Or if you don't, you...probably...leer at people...? And support the President? Zing, okay, whatever. Anyway, you've been exposed to the most tried-and-true characters out there just by exposure to the ones other people have made. Did you know there are no more original ideas? It's true; my mother tells me so every time I say I want to be a writer. So if there are no original ideas, what do you want to bet that if you made a character, someone would say, "Hey, cool! That's like Kenshin meets Bride of Frankenstein meets Heathcliff!"

So if your really awesome and totally original idea...isn't, why not just reverse-engineer? Take a character you know really well.

EXAMPLE: Sam Malone, the bartender from Cheers

Now, think about the parts of his character that you would change if you were him/her.

EXAMPLE: that whole bartender thing's boring, baseball's not as cool as dagger-tossing, let's make him a priest

And voila! Your character builds itself! You use your character's existing backstory (adjusting for anachronisms), then change the parts you don't like to ones you do. It is important to change a decent amount of details. Otherwise, you won't feel like the character is your own (ahem).

EXAMPLE: Father Samuel Malronis was born in the Northeastern kingdom of the Northern continent. Raised by a single father, he grew up thinking of women as nothing more than cheap thrills and nightly entertainment. In his twenties, he became one of the kingdom's best mumbletypeg players, able to out-aim even the finest yeomen in neighboring Fra'zhyr. This earned him scores of fans and the love of women who fell into his embedded stereotypes. Then, after an injury knocked him out of an important tournament, he settled down to make his peace with god. He was accepted into the inner order of the Bastionian sect, who are the world's last defense against the dimension-spanning threat of devils and demons. He has kept his wry sense of humor and his unfortunate love/hate relationship with two priestesses in the order, but everyday he hopes he will finally find some way to return his friend, Sitting Holtinspear, to life from his current petrified state.

2) 1000 Words (Training Wheels)

TO BE CONTINUED...

The Spedometer At That Moment: 88

2007-11-05T11:27:00.000-05:00

I got stuck in a temporal loop this morning for a relative 3-4 hours.

I half woke up, growled at the time on my alarm clock: 930
and went back to sleep for a while.
I half woke up, growled at the time on my computer clock: 1027
and went back to sleep for a while.
I half woke up, growled at the time on my alarm clock: 930
and went back to sleep for a while, mildly confused.
I half woke up, blinked at the time on my alarm clock: 930
and, under the assumption that I was dreaming, went back to sleep for a while.
I woke up, stared at the time on my computer clock: 842
I turned to look at the time on my alarm clock: 930
I realized that my alarm clock was stuck on Set Alarm Mode, flicked it to Normal Mode: 945
I picked up my watch: 704
I stumbled downstairs, wrapped in my comforter, and looked at the microwave: 1105
and, slumping onto the couch and curling into a ball, decided to let the world iron itself out and went back to sleep for a while.
I woke up back in my bed. My computer clock: 945
My alarm clock: 930
It was once again in Set Alarm Mode, so I clicked it to Normal: 848
My watch: 359 ...and a second later: 400

At this point, I took a long shower and rinsed the 4th dimensional buildup out of my hair.

Time started up again as I walked back into my room just as my alarm clock went off at: 930

My computer clock at that moment: 1027

Ooh! Faced!

2007-10-30T11:38:00.000-04:00

I did facial motion capture (emotion capture? eh? Ehhhh???) for Epic Games in Cary. They're the company that made Gears of War, for those of you who are out of the loop. They're also the company behind Jazz Jackrabbit, Jill of the Jungle, and most importantly to this post: the Unreal Tournament series.

Because I'm responsible for every male facial movement in the long-awaited Unreal Tournament III (my friend Katie did the female emotion capture in it).

They're using new emotion-capture software, and it's pretty badass. If you want to see the kind of subtle movements it picks up, why not watch the trailer and keep your eyes open for a signature Fit-KitzSimons eyebrow-twitch in the last scene?

http://play.tm/story/14192

I promise, I'll be glad you did.

We're On In Five, Four, Three...

2007-10-30T09:38:00.000-04:00

Nobody should ever start a blog without writing a first-post journal. Usually, first-post posts are an explanation of why the blogger felt it necessary to start a journal (or, often, a new journal) and force their friends to (re)find and (re)link it. ...Enh. Not interested.

ORIGIN TALES!

Title of Blog: In The Field With Simon FitzKit
(emphasis on the 'fitz' as if you're SnoopDogg-izing the word 'fidget')
My friend Sketch and I came up with this character as a bit of green-screen brilliance.

The idea is that he talks like a vaudevillain reporter and presents 'live' segments from in front of the craziest green-screen movie clips we can find: zombie apocalypse, during Pink Floyd's 'The Wall,' interviewing DeNiro in 'Taxi Driver'... you know, the standard stuff.

URL of Blog: folioninja.blogspot
"Folio Ninja" is my user ID on every video game I've played since March, 2006. It just sounded like it fit. Plus it seemed appropriate, considering how, at the time, I was rocking the senior year of an English major and taking the world's greatest Shakespeare course. Enjoying that much of The Immortal Bard at one time makes a man do crazy things, like consider how much cooler ninja would be if they were also learned classic-lit scholars.

...Also, my friend Nate from Atlanta saw the phrase on my profile and decided to create the Polio Ninja, whose entire purpose is not to assassinate you quickly and quietly, but instead to give you polio.