Friday, October 3, 2008

Word up! The world's foremost word-mapping program. So cool. I made the ones above, but this one's currently my favorite:

Man By Your Stand

I hate talking about politics so much. I know so precious little about the intricacies and double-binds that obviously go into every single sentence fragment uttered by the Big Dogs that I can never hope to make a rational and calm argument about anything vaguely connected to the topic.

But that's okay because talking about politics is like that for everybody.

Imagine you and someone else are having a discussion about politics. When you're two people who disagree about the issues, you quickly fall into snarking at one another's failings in debate tactics and personal hygiene. When you're two people who agree about the issues, you fellate each other's egos until you find some tiny point you disagree on and ...GOTO Line 20. (Sorry; Q-BASIC joke)

But here's the thing I'm really sick of: calling out candidates for voting against bills about stuff they say they're for (and vice versa). Rider clauses. Fricking rider clauses will do this argument in nearly every time; you go to vote for a bill as a whole, and people will tack on completely unrelated rider clauses to force opponents of the "main" clause to be FOR the bill as a whole (and vice versa).

But nobody thinks about rider clauses because they're all so niggling and annoying that it's hard to keep track of them.\

So I propose every government official open an Excel Spreadsheet right now and start a Three-Reason List: For every bill you vote(d) on, every addendum you attack(ed), every single piece of legislature that crosses/crossed your desk, you list your top 3 reasons for that decision. Then, when someone attacks your tendency to flip-flop, break out your reasons, and you won't have to play the "Conditions had changed" Vaguery Card.

* If one of your top three reasons for voting for/against a bill is "was paid by Big Tobacco to vote that way," you still have two reasons that you can say out loud. More importantly, it's all in Excel, so you can Sort Data by "Reasons"; if you can't easily count the "was paid by __________" entries, perhaps it's time to consider some self-policing.

* Have an extra column describing what "Proposal 245a-40991z" actually was about. This will save time in the short- and long-term.

* Use the list to remind yourself of whether you were for or against the war, abortion, tax cuts and government reform. Because, let's be honest: sometimes you just forget that kind of thing and let your aide sit in and vote for you.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Instant Photographification

From Sketch Hobgood

The Rules of the Meme:
Take a picture of yourself right now.
Don't change your clothes, don’t fix your hair...just take a picture.
Post that picture with NO editing.
Post these instructions with your picture.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Dragon*Pros Are Far Outweighed.

This past weekend, Dragon*Con took over half of Atlanta (the Underdark half, if you were wondering), and that means thousands of my nerdly brethren descended on every hotel in a ten-block radius of wherever Nathan Fillion was standing at the time, and that 8/9 of those thousands came in costume.

Costume. The word calls to mind equal parts 'Halloween' and 'a theatrical production,' which --8/9 of the time-- translates to 'scary' and 'a flop.' I kid, I kid. There certainly are an unbelievable number of amazing outfits present every year, showcasing just how many hundreds of dollars and manhours some people are willing to spend to be confused with a Sci-Fi Channel Original character actor. But then there are those poor souls who go that extra mile to call themselves out, to draw uncomfortable attention to their potato-sack body-type or their incomprehension of the fact that there is a time to stop mashing up concepts (See: Garth Vader, Darth Parton, Bart Vader, Darth Vedder, Darth Vader Zim, Perth Vader, Ollie North Vader, Darth Vanadium, Darth Vega, Darth Avida, Dorothy Vader, and...Hello Vader).

Oh, but pictures do help, don't they? Let's see who we have out on the floor...

Let's steer around the Boba Fat jokes (Foba Bat?) and go straight to the problem of thinking that 2(Awesome) = Awesomer. Reese's are the exception, not the rule. I mean, what would happen if Samuel L Jackson dressed up as Wesley Snipes? This. What would happen if Samuel L Jackson dressed up as Professor Xavier? This. What would happen if Samuel L Jackson dressed up as Nick Fury? This.
Plus, if you only look at him from the waist down (and I'm truly sorry to force that concept on you), he looks like the Dread Pirate Robert(s) ...Bob, a Fat Pirate?... damn! So close.

Heh heh...Beavis, Beavis: ...Co-Bra Commandos. Henh, henh...

Seriously though, I think these two were created by Gargamel to seduce the other Cobras into getting sloppy. And while it's still unclear whether he wants to eat the Cobras or merely turn them into GI Gold, one think remains clear: Cobra Commander totally called dibs on a threesome.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, Thunderdome Lasertag's not until next week.

Actually, take a look at her trophies: torn hair clumps at the waistband, red plastic hat at the navel... oh god... Bitch scalped Howdy Doody.

Senator John Kerry, God of Mischief.

Didn't I fuckin' just. say., "Not nobody, not nohow?"

ALTERNATE COMMENTARY: Polio took its heaviest toll, however, on the steampunk genre.

And the DownLoadable Content for Team Fortress 2 continues with the "Victorian Safari Skins Pack." Pictured here: Medic, Spy, Heavy, Scout, and Engineer. Bonus unlockables: The Blunderbuss, the Jumanji Board, and the Doctor Vatson.

Ah, cosplay: The only pastime where blackface is still okay.

Flipping your fins,
You don't get too far.
Bet a stiff breeze
Knocked you
Don't wear a costume
That hinders your
--what's the word?--
You think you look neat,
But really, you're dim. (Some)
guy snatches your shells,
How you gonna chase hiiiiiim?
Let me ask you
Waddle you do,
Pretty nerd...giiiiirl?


Sunday, July 27, 2008

Faster Than A Locomotive, Cheaper Than A Gold Box Deal has amazing sales on DVDs, but lately, they've just been outselling themselves, making their sales less meaningful.

Or maybe those DVDs are actually only 33% off under a red sun, but long ago, his parents saw that their race would be doomed to be remaindered, so they sent their only son (using Superman Saver Delivery) to Earth, where --in the heat of a yellow sun-- his movies and television shows gained phenomenal comic powers [sic] for the good of all mankind.

MR SOCKO: My heeeeeero.

I've been shopping for years, spending too much money on DVDs.
Thank you,, for these wonderful Superman returns
on my investment.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Warren Ellis Bingo

I read Warren Ellis' blog, and now, I'm on it:

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Sea Ring

The North Carolina Aquariums site has the following advertising the Roanoake Island branch of its operations:

My immediate thought:
Samara has returned, and now instead of seven days, she's giving you seven seas. Ever wonder where that well drained into? The North Carolina Aquariums. Don't put on your earphones; that self-guided tour can't tell you what to do now. Samara is in control, and before the night is done, the seas will run red with blood. She's showing her video on all the fish-info screens, and everyone knows... sound travels faster underwater.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Is Wayne Brucey Gonna Hafta Choke A Bitch?

From Sketch, the Batslap Meme.

Using this blank template, I have created the following:

Sunday, July 13, 2008

You Have To Spurn The Trope

So as you may or may not have heard me cheering over the past week, I won a song-parody contest! First, play the game You Have To Burn The Rope (HERE). It will literally take you under a minute. The contest was to write a parody of the closing theme, and to make it about my favorite video game moment.

I wrote it about the game "Shadow of Colossus" and they previewed my entry during this podcast (skip to 1:12:45 ). (They say, "By Kit FitzSimons, which is an awesome name." Whee!)

And then the guy who wrote the original song commented on my parody, and his favorite line was line 3 (heard here - skip to 0:56:08). (He says, "He's got a nice flow with the rhymes.")

Regardless of what you may think of the people who run the podcast, I now have a free DS Lite, courtesy of them!

Thanks to my friend Sketch who suggested the reverb and who found a way to make the claps work so well...and, you know, for running Garage Band and mixing my vocals.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Makes mouths happy. MAKES MOUTHS HAPPY!!!

I've been laid low by Jumanji Twizzlers.

It waits for some unsuspecting person to find it, play it, and release the evil jungle magic within.

But I'm not prone to opening mysterious board games that wash up on the beach. No, this time the evil jungle magic had to bend itself to my weak spot:

I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.

Twizzlers. One of the new resealable two-pound pouches that locks freshness in. Like we used to eat at Camp Waconda.

Only this bag didn't just lock in freshness. Oh no. Let's turn back the clock to last fall when I came down with an annoyingly persistent flu-like virus that completely floored me. My sister bought me a bag of resealable Twizzlers to cheer me up. No, not healthy for me, but hey, I was sick, and I wanted to feel better in some quantifiable way.

So I had some, sealed the bag, went back to cowering under the covers and got better.

February came around, and, as I was straightening my landfill of a room, I found, buried under clothes, DVDs, PSP games and comic books...

The Jumanji Twizzlers.

Oh, at the time, I didn't know it was they, but the effect was immediate: I ate a few, and a couple days later, I was going through boxes of tissue like... well, like Kleenex. And I was not in the mood for Twizzlers any more, so they got kneaded back into the bottom of the counter bread machine that is my room.

And then I was sifting through piles of stuff I had recently tossed around (to be able to sleep on my bed again), and there, innocent and sweet, sat...


I carried them downstairs, having only an hour before discovered I had nothing but frozen meals and Pop-Tarts as immediate dining options. I sat down in front of CSI: Miami Season 1, and I had several strawberry-flavored twists.

Now everything above my philtrum is pounding, my nose is gushing, and my throat constantly feels like I've gargled with salt. Not salt water; salt.

So, of course, I threw the bag away as soon as I realized where the evil jungle magic had come from.

But now I realize: I didn't burn it. It's sitting in a trash bag somewhere, on its way to a dump, in some homeless child's hands... and the Freshness seal is intact. The Jumanji Twizzlers are pristine inside. And someone will find them... and eat them... and the horror will live again.

Oh, God, I can still hear the drums! The hideous beating of those unearthly bongos, their sheer intensity threatening to drag me into my own personal heart of darkness!...

...Oh, wait. Sorry. I was just playing Rock Band on Nyquil.

Never mind.

Thank you, Seattle. Are you ready to r--BEWARE THE JUMANJI TWIZZLERS!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Nurses With Purses In Hearses

Found in this ARTICLE:

Ack! Silent Hill nurses!

As I was too scared to read the article, I can only assume it says something like:

Paris: Louis Vuitton's new line of designer handbags was inspired by the nurses of Silent Hill. Made of 100% burn-victim skin and stitched together with the finest hair from a six-year-old beauty pageant winner, these purses will make even the most depraved monsters of your nightmares stop in their tracks...for a second or two, at least.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Sing A Song of Sevenpence

I was not tagged in the meme-stream, that I know of, but I feel like con-tributary-ing, so...

The Seven Songs Meme:
(found via, but quoted from Kid Shirt)

"List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to."

(I've included Youtube links)

1. Muse "Supermassive Black Hole"
I don't understand it; why would Muse not record more songs that sound like this? I like other stuff they've done, but I wouldn't put anything else from their discography on repeat for hours at a time. It's upbeat, it's fun to play on Guitar Hero 3 (I first heard the song when it became downloadable content), and I don't really have to explain who the group is when telling my friends that I like this song.

Also, if somebody would get me a red jacket like the one Matthew Bellamy's wearing in that video, I'd be forever grateful.

2. Nappy Roots "Good Day"
Yes, in fact, it does have half a verse in which he raps the contents of a church barbecue's picnic table. But this song is like 'Hard Knock Life' ramped up and made twice as happy. It's one of those rare rap songs about how people might be better off not living a Grand Theft Auto lifestyle 24/7. I heard it on the radio and immediately went home and downloaded it.

3. Valeriya "The Party's Over"
She's what happens when a Russian singer wants to do what Shakira did, only in the style of 2000's-Madonna. Found via Jeff, this video is ridiculous. Keep an eye out for her token male-backup dancer, who apparently was very proud of the fact that his choreographer had finally taught him the "Number One Dance Move In The West" -- aka taking off your hat and putting it back on. Also, Valeriya looks like Emily Procter from CSI: Miami (image here).

4. The Hoosiers "Goodbye Mr A"
Upbeat again. I think a pattern is beginning to emerge here. The song's supposedly about the singer's elementary school math teacher, and that actually makes a lot of the lines make more contextual/wordplay sense. The Hoosiers are actually one of my more-recently-found favorite bands. I don't usually have favorite bands because my tastes are so eclectic that I often will only like one song that a group has done and feel indifferent about the rest of their work. Exceptions of the past have included Smash Mouth, Sugar Ray, and Josie & the Pussycats (from the movie). As you can tell, I like music that makes me bounce along to it.

5. The Hives "Die All Right
Another rare favorite band of mine, The Hives have crept into my consciousness from all directions; radio, music videos, Guitar Hero 3, Rock Band, Weird Al Yankovic, the fact that their songwriter is a possibly fictional person whose last name is pronounced the same way mine all seemed a conspiracy to get me to listen to them. Well, I have fallen; it's music like this that makes me want to have long hair to properly headbang with.

6. Presidents of the United States of America "Mixed Up SOB"
PUSA are goofy weirdos, kind of like The Hives, actually. Weird Al Yankovic directed this music video, something that should not surprise you once you've seen 30 seconds of it. I love the line "She's stuck in gear. It's just too bad it's Reverse." That's wit, people. That's what's missing from T-Pain's music that keeps me from getting down to apple-bottom jeans. Speaking of T-Pain though...

7. T-Pain "Church"
The only track I can stand off the soundtrack for Step Up 2: The Streets, and it's just amazing. I want to record a music video of my own for it; that's how fun it is to dance to.

And the tags:
1. Ted H
2. Jeff S
3. Joe S
4. Corey B
5. Jeremy G
6. Remi T
7. Katie S

Saturday, May 31, 2008

I Guess Jihad To Be There

Dunkin' Donuts ran the following ad, starring Rachael Ray holding some coffee in a park:

It apears to be very harmless. However, it apparently caused an internet blogosphere meltdown in which Dunkin' Donuts was accused of supporting terrorism. As reported in The Independent:
"The offending item, though, is the scarf, which reminded one blogger of the keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men, an item which a second blogger – picking up the theme and running several miles with it – dubbed 'jihadi chic'. The Little Green Footballs blog, a conservative favourite, accused Dunkin' Donuts of 'casually promoting the symbol of Palestinian terrorism and the intifada'."

And Dunkin' Donuts pulled the ad, causing ANOTHER blogosphere meltdown, as bloggers called the company cowardly for caving "in the face of an out-of-control conservative blogosphere."

(PS: 'blogosphere' is a fun word, isn't it?)

Out of control? Maybe, but obviously, we can all agree it wasn't out-of-control enough. Let's remedy this situation forthwith.

(turns around and centers self, then quickly turns back around)

What. The F. Has Dunkin' Donuts gone crazy? A little too much of their Arabic blend? This ad is a blatant promotion of terrorism! Look at that scarf Rachael Ray is wearing; it's a f**king keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men! Arab MEN. And she, a woman, is wearing it out in the g*dd*mn park, like she isn't cowering from God and men's sight! Put some f**king clothes on, you whore of Babylon (i.e. Babylon in Iraq, you terrorist!) By putting Rachael Ray in that keffiyeh, DD, you're offending Americans who don't want to see some kind of g*dd*amn Hamas fashion show...but you're also offending Arabs who'll see this ad, think, "That woman is wearing a man's headdress around her neck, and it isn't because her husband's choking her with it! Crossdresser! Abomination! Abomination! Abomination! I'll bomb a nation!"

And terrorism will ensue.

But that's not all. Some of my distinguished blogosphere associates have stopped at the jaunty heretical scarf, but not I. No, the men behind this advertisement are unbelievable in more ways than one. They said in their "apology" yesterday, "The possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee."

"Iced coffee?" ICED COFFEE?!? Sounds like, 'Iced Kofi' --as in Kofi Annan, ex-UN Secretary General, who is currently on the board of directors of the UN Foundation-- and it is outrageous for Dunkin' Donuts to blatantly be recruiting terrorists to assassinate Kofi Annan in an online ad like that. Now, my blogosphere enemies (I'm looking at you, Rene Duquesnoy Joomlas on your Ass!) might say that there have been thousands of ads for iced kofi, and I've never spoken up before, but I say to you, SHUT UP! Those ads were distasteful, yes, but not necessarily proterrorist.

This ad is special because of all the secret visual handshakes it's giving to terrorists. Look closer. There's a building in the background, an American landmark of enormous importance to the citizens of our great country, and it is being highlighted for destruction. I hope our military and law enforcement services are on-site at that building...wherever it is (maybe that's a gold statue of Jefferson or something? Is it maybe the Holocaust museum? Help me out, blogosphere cohorts!) It's an American treasure though, regardless of what building it actually is, and Dunkin' Donuts is outright commanding terrorists to bomb it to kill Kofi Annan, and Rachael Ray is there so they know they'll only have a 30-minute timeframe to work with.

And under the logo, what does it say? AMERICA RUNS. "On Dunkin'"? Perhaps. "From terrorism"? Definitely.

(...Maybe if I click on 'Find A Store' it'll tell me where that building is.)


Okay, I'm done.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

CSI disc?

Tonight, I told the entire DSI Company what I get out of DSI, and I got a little choked up. Later tonight, I watched a CSI/Without A Trace crossover two-parter, and I got a little disappointed by the WAT half.

CSI = Interesting characters who act like a family solving a mystery by enhancing the size and focus of evidence; usually involves the word 'epithelial'

Without A Trace = Bland assemblage of people solving a mystery by talking to former contacts and doing lots of flashbacks to things the culprit had done years ago; usually involves the actor Anthony Lapaglia

Now, the CSI/DSI connection: Anthony Lapaglia is what Zach Ward will look like in 15 years. That is neither a compliment nor an insult. However, I hope Zach's in better shows in 15 years than WAT...better shows like CSI. Boom.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

J. Jonah Jingleheimer Schmidt...His Name Is My Name Too

My friend Sketch has lately taken to using the Magic Words (i.e. "Oh, and Kit, I know I don't have to challenge you on this one, but just in case: I challenge you!") more and more often, thus necessitating that I post more often.

Boohoo, right?

In any case, this time he found an interesting meme, the kind where you fill in the empty speech bubbles in a classic comic book panel, to hilarious effect. Normally, I don't get especially inspired by them. I might even have passed this one by if not for Sketch's timely official challenge...and his posting the plug-and-play Photoshop file he used for mass production.

I felt this particular panel deserved a very narrow-focused attack, and so I present my efforts:

Alias Indeed

I was watching the 5th season of Alias tonight and was struck by an annoyingly persistent truth:

Balthazar Getty is the poor man's Liev Schreiber.

I stole appropriated the above image from another blogger who is one of many to write the words "Does anyone else get these two confused?" So I feel confident that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

PS: I find it mildly amusing that my Spell Check humbly suggests I mean Kiev Schrödinger but has no problem with Balthazar or Getty. Who's the poor man's whom now?

PPS: Balthazar Getty apparently played Jack Shephard Ralph in the 1990 version of 'Lord of the Flies.' Yes, NetFlix; in fact, I would like to view that in 2-3 days.

Monday, April 28, 2008

There'll Be A Quizno's On This Later

While at Firehouse Subs the other day, my friend Sketch pointed out that the sandwich I was ordering had an odd description: it came "Fully Involved." According to the menu (their online version pictured below), Fully Involved means that it comes with all the normal toppings (lettuce, mayo, etc).

Now, I don't like toppings on my subs; I'm a meat-and-cheese-only type of guy. But it seems wrong to just ask for the sandwich "plain" when they went to the trouble of coming up with such an interesting phrase to describe a sub being 'with everything on it.'

Therefore, I now present a short glossary of terms for how to order your sandwiches at Firehouse Subs from here on out.

A Sandwich Fully Involved =
Loaded. Complete with Mayo, Mustard, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion and a Dill Spear.

A Sandwich With Commitment Issues =
Sub With No Toppings.

A Sandwich In Trial Separation =
Toppings On The Side.

A Sandwich Just Going Through The Paces =
Limp Piece Of Lettuce, One Slice Of Tomato, and Just A Daub Of Condiments.

A Sandwich Having An Affair =
Fully Involved Toppings Between Meat And Top Bun; With Horseradish, Cole Slaw and Pickle Slices Between Meat And Bottom Bun.

A Sandwich Whose Marriage Is On The Rocks =
Hot Sub...On Ice.

A Sandwich With A Restraining Order =
The Sandwich Is For Here, The Toppings Are To Go.

Death God Of War

I like the anime series Bleach, a series about a normal guy becoming a Death God. I like the video game God of War, a game about Stone-Cold Rambo 'Diesel' Schwarzenegger killing the entire population of ancient Greece. And today, the PSP Fanboy website put the banners for the two of them on top of each other. Way to go, two great tastes tasting great together.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Allo, Poppet!

No parody, no commentary...just a really cool song.

"Cops And Robbers"

And just to be fair:

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Larry Curly and Mo-Cap

Another Epic Games update:

More motion capture work means more excitement! We got on the evening news, we're going to get to go to a motion-capture-team party at the sprawling estate house of one of our contacts at the company, and best of all, I have more NDA-sanitized pictures!

There I am in my mo-cap suit, ready to act like a tough guy wearing about twice my personal body-weight in armor.

Here's a mysterious squiggle of masking tape on the ground of the mo-cap studio. What could it be? An alien chalk outline? The boundaries of an energy conduit we're about to be sucked into? A Georgia O'Keeffe print?

And this is from down the hall in Epic Games' in-house mini-gym (it's how all those game developers stay so buff). You can set the Stair Machine to simulate the steps of famous landmarks. Not just the number, but also the angle of inclination. It's a little crazy, but not as crazy as the options I'd have programmed in:

Monday, April 7, 2008

And Iron...Iron So Far Away

Project Rooftop, the blog that asks the question: "What if superheroes wore cooler outfits?" posted an Iron Man Redesign contest. Then my friend Sketch challenged several of us to enter.

Now, I'm no artist, but I did try my hand at a quick doodle. It's probably not submission-worthy, but hey, this is my place; I get to post whatever I want.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

We're Happy You Made It...

The best video game ever...

You Have To Burn The Rope

Words cannot describe how satisfying it is to complete a game in less than 20 hours.

Friday, March 28, 2008

But what about 5-year-old zombies?

I went down to Atlanta to visit friends and see Paul&Storm and Jonathan Coulton in concert. I hope to get around to writing about that, but first, a couple facts:



Wednesday, March 19, 2008

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm In Recovery

Found on Marvelous News:

First of all, Operation Hulk sounds like the Mad Lib General Ross fills out every morning at work:
"Hey, Samson. Give me an '-er' noun and your favorite pet."
"Um...'policer' and 'goldfish'?"
"Fine. Tell the men we're deploying at 1100 hours for Operation Hulk Policer Goldfish. Prepare the underwater officers. Agamemnon, I need a past tense verb and the name of someone at the table."
"Yawn... 'broke' and 'Glenn Talbot'."
"Perfect! Send word that, at 1230 hours, we move on Operation Hulk Broke Glenn Talbot. Poor man. Deserves my daughter, but that monster made that impossible. Betty: a gerund and an adverb."
"Daaaaaad...oh, fine. 'Moving' and 'Gratefully'."
"That'll do, I guess. Get the Hulkbusters ready by 1400 hours for Operation Hulk Moving Gratefully...uh...hmm. Oh! Okay, get Century 21 and Atlantic Van Lines on the phone. We need Banner's house cleared out and all his stuff shipped to the Hulkbuster base by Friday. Gets him out of our hair, am I right?"

Meanwhile, look at Hulk's hand in that picture: he got in a fight with Voldemort right before this was taken. Maybe that's the reason that he's farting noxious fumes: Hulk's body absorbs the Killing Curse and digests it, shooting the remnants out as a defense mechanism.

And what about those other indentations. Don't you hate it when you fall asleep on top of your teddy bear, heart and butterflies? I'm surprised he didn't have a keyboard one on his face, but then, why would Hulk fall asleep at a computer?

And while we're on the 'Why' question: Why are Spider- and Iron Man the physicians in attendance? I'd personally go with Doctor Strange and Mister know, men with MDs, not just technically smart guys who probably think the heart is on the far right side of the ches...oh wait (looks at box art)...okay, maybe they know better than I do.

I do notice though that this game is meant to be played for 15 minutes. 15 whole minutes, huh? That sure is an entertaining game if you can take a good 20 minutes to pull it out, set up all the pieces explain the rules...and then it'll keep your 6-or-more-year-old entertained for half the time it takes to cook a pizza. Or, to be fair, as long as it'd take to watch an episode of almost any show on Adult Swim.

Okay, now we should open the box and look at the board itself.

And definitely click on the picture to see it full size.

Okay, so I'm going to try to guess what those are supposed to be. I assume I'll be hitting on at least a couple of their bad puns, but probably not all of them...
1) Missile Toe
2) Bear Foot
3) Sea An(kle)nemone
4) Never-Changes-Pants Crotch Sweat
5) The Bruce banner (get it? get it?)
6) Pulled Hamstring?
7) Butterflies In Hulk's Love Handles? Moth-Eaten Clothes?
8) Hulk's Heart Isn't In The Right Place
9) Shoulder Boombox? (Is that supposed to be a rib cage?)
10) Lightning Reflexes? Shooting Pain Up Your Left Arm? The Shocker? General Thunder Ross? The Thunder Of Mighty Guns? Waitwaitwait: it must be misplaced from his hands. It's Thunderclap.
11) Green Thumb
12) Form Of A Fist Made Of Ice...

I think my favorite, by far, is that apparent sea anemone. What the hell is that? From when Hulk went wading near the Great Barrier Reef? Or when he landed in the Danbury Aquarium? Ridiculous.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Random Song Select

I have been challenged!

My friend Ted posted this in his blog (and then emailed me a personal link to it as a pointed challenge).

A friend of his found a Photoshop game to keep graphically-inclined people occupied for hours. The game is to create an album cover using random elements.
Find a random phrase (using the Wikipedia Random Article function); that'll be the band name.
Find a random quote (using a random quote generator); the last four words of the last quote on the page will be the album title.
Find a random picture (using Flickr's Interesting Photos); the third photo will be the background image for the album.

Now build the album cover from those three pieces, making use of all your Photoshop skills.

I've been making them all night while I wait for other people or whenever I get a second. Here's what I came up with:

Timeline of Afghanistan is heavily influenced by Evanescence, Linkin Park and the entire Dollar Bin at your local Indie CD store. They feel that they've got a lot to be sorry about, sorry for, and sorry in so far as. Their new CD is a concept album based on what the drummer's troubled youth would have been like if he had tried just one more time to run away from home. Rider Specifications: four (4) bottles of L'Oreal Pox Black nail polish in each band member's dressing room, one (1) bowl of flowers and one (1) hairdryer plugged in next to said bowl.

The Lee County, Florida Sheriff's Office has been talking about putting out an album since 1983, when they first realized 3/4 of their officers had, at one time or another, learned how to play an instrument. It all came together when they needed to raise money to get to a crime-stoppers convention in Illinois and needed to make some money to afford plane tickets. Their first effort (and they had so much fun, they swear it won't be their last) includes their hit single, "Off The Cuffs," a tribute to Jimmy Buffet's music and Lee County's most notorious baddies. Rider Specifications: For the show to go on, there must be at least 30 kids under the age of 12 and/or 40 senior citizens over 60 in the audience.

Fur Seal plays Death Metal with no concern for the fact that a good 95% of the Adult Swim show Metalocalypse has been directly lifted from footage from their episode of Behind The Music. Their lead singer's name is Körgin Billy. That's not a typo or a pseudonym; his parents gave him that name at birth...along with his abdominal scars. Rider Specifications: Someone for the entire band to simultaneously hate, otherwise, they'll turn on each other pre-concert like a pack of rabid opossums.

Anneli Jäätteenmäki's Cabinet is a Swedish supergroup, made up of former members of Ace of Base, Abba, The Cardigans, The Hives and The Hellacopters, from before any of the groups became famous. The lead singer has a crush on Ian Anderson, and she hides his name in every one of the band's songs: anagrams, acrostics, or just using the string of letters '-ian' at the ends of words like 'Canadian' and 'Edwardian.' In fact, she's hidden his name twice on the cover of this newest release; Christ, she's like a demented Highlights editor. Rider Specifications: An open cash bar. Yes, it actually uses that phrase. Most venues assume it means they want to mix their own drinks and leave the money on the counter. No one's complained yet.

Command History likes to think of themselves as Weezer-meets-Barenaked-Ladies, but really they're just a cheap Smash Mouth knockoff. You know, like Sugar Ray. Rider Specifications: Glasses tape. They only wear their glasses on stage; they've all had Lasik. Really, guys? Really?

Varandinha is former Bollywood actress Varandinha Rajadhyaksha branching out to achieve mainstream international diva status. The only way to describe her music is kitschily catchy. Imagine if Shakira had been an Indian princess, and you're almost there. Rider Specifications: Two (2) bottles of suntan lotion, One (1) copy of the latest Danielle Steel paperback, four (4) steak kabobs... she should probably just kiss Richard Gere and get it over with.

Château LaFleur is an all-bisexual 7-member French punk band that prides itself on the sheer number of permutations for in-band relationships it has to offer the media. They also are steadfastly anti-SETI, a sentiment echoed on their new CD. They believe that if/when humans and extraterrestrials talk/meet, we should let it be on their terms and stop wasting all this money on clogging up intergalactic communication frequencies. Also, they hated Jody Foster in Contact. Rider Specifications: Wall-to-wall pillow mats, Jacques Brel over the intercom, and 2 hours of uninterrupted sex time before and after each performance.

Wow. My bands spread out quite a bit, didn't they? That's show biz for you.